You should've been better, so they could still be alive.
[ Robby understands it. It's not a singular 'You' that he speaks with; his voice too soft to be misinterpreted as anything than coming from somewhere deeper in him. He can't pretend to know her true pain - of losing someone who saw you like family, a special connection only realised at the very end - but he doesn't need to, he thinks. That's her pain, and they don't need to understand every instant of each other's to see the similarities of their paths.
Or just to feel each other. He hopes that's the case, relies on it being so, letting the seconds give them pause for their hearts to breathe. Before he figures -- this is where he goes next. Without it being a real question to himself, but an acknowledgement that comes naturally with his gaze lowering. ]
I, uh... I got sent to the place-- the other city. Where all the religious people were, grabbing people and trying to get them on their side. But the ones we were with... if they didn't think you were with them, they-- killed you. That was it. And every night, someone died, someone else selling them out.
[ It had only been two nights, but both had been the same. We have been informed, echoing in that small chapel, the smell of blood that further soaked the furniture already stained. He couldn't stay there and watch. He didn't want to stay there and watch. ]
I recognised someone from the beach-- one of the fishermen. He had a bad leg, walked with a limp, but I-- I told him we should try and join the ones who patrol. Get some weapons and get out of there. I had to convince him.
[ He convinced him. He could almost laugh, but he doesn't make more than a breathy sound, damp around the edges. Quiet, before he shrugs with one shoulder. ]
And um, well... someone heard us. He went to get someone else, but they knew-- they grabbed me too.
[ He sniffs, wipes at his nose, and then the back of his eyes. Sucks in the air deep into his lungs, holding it before releasing as a shaky breath. He doesn't speak, not right away, the words hard to get out over his closing throat. ]
--if I'd been better, they'd be here.
[ And it struggles to get out even that, his eyes lifting onto Chizuru, the smile he tugs on his face as a tear drops down his cheek. ]
Usually Chizuru's words, the reassurances.. they would spill out so easily, especially in the face of such pain. Chizuru has never been able to stare at anyone who cries and not immediately want to soothe all of their worries, to excuse them of anything.
But it's a little harder here. Not because she thinks Robby did anything wrong in that situation, but just.. because the sentiment is so terribly familiar. Chizuru didn't get stuck in that other world, thankfully, but she heard about it even before now. How brutal it was, how scary it was.. And it definitely seems like Robby had to deal with the worst of it, similar to the crappy situations back in Chizuru's own wartorn world.
And this is how it always ends, right? Seeing people get hurt, being unable to help them, and telling yourself over and over and over-- if I had done something else, they might have lived.
If only I hadn't existed-- ]
It's okay..
[ Her voice is so soft, barely audible. She does look directly at Robby as she speaks though, his own teary eyes mirrored by how watery her own become as she looks at him, but the girl doesn't avert her gaze. ]
I get it. [ She can't say anything else without lying to herself, right? It's not his fault - sure, she thinks that, but at the same time she has a terribly hard time not blaming herself for Inoue's fate either. It's not as easy as hearing yourself being absolved by someone else and just instantly believing it.
So maybe this is all she can say. Holding his hands just the tiniest bit tighter, squeezing them, just to convey her sincerity in saying: ]
It's so heavy, isn't it..? I feel it too, Robby.. You're being so strong for enduring it.
It doesn't feel like anything else than being alive, having no other choice than to exist. This happened, and you can't change that fact -- you can only continue to be, or not. Robby's sure that someone with soothing words would have plenty more to give on how surviving after someone didn't can make you stronger, but he isn't sure he could believe it.
But he doesn't want to dismiss Chizuru, either. Instead, he'd like to wonder: does she feel strong? When she talks about herself as anything but. He looks at their hands with that thought, sniffs a little (quietly), then looks her back in the eyes. ]
You know that if I am, then you have to be too, right? [ Lightly, he points it out like a joke. But there's the edges of making her accept what she's brought forward here. Even if he still wants to say, 'I just feel like someone who got lucky,' he keeps it back, down in his throat, breathing deeply to keep his tears from flowing more than they have.
[ With how close they are right now, and with everything they've already shared, it's probably easy for Robby to recognize that Chizuru is struggling a little with saying that. But despite the struggle, she is saying it. She does manage to force the words out of her mouth, despite both of them being stuck with the exact same feeling. Someone who got lucky, someone who isn't necessarily strong-- just someone who happened to make it to the other side when someone else didn't.
But when Chizuru can't abandon him to that feeling, she knows she has to say this. She knows she has to at least try to believe it. That she is somehow strong, so Robby can be strong too. As strong and beautiful as he is in her eyes. ]
Because.. [ She slowly starts, but the girl seems to find a little bit more strength as she speaks on, not letting her gaze drop from meeting his. ] Even though it's hard, and even though it's painful, we're still going.
[ It's just an objective fact.
They haven't given up. They're still living their lives, despite everything. Still trying. ]
Because it's what they would have wanted.
[ This much she knows. She can picture it in her head. Inoue's kind smile, his arm extended to pat her on the head, how he'd tell her something like why are you crying over this old man, silly girl? He'd want her to be strong.
Even though it's hard, just like she says. She knows that the feelings she's struggling with in her heart, even at this moment, have to be reflected inside of Robby's own. It's that thought that makes her swallow to try and contain the feelings, before letting out a dry laugh that almost sounds more like a sob, speaking on with: ]
S-See, this is why it's so awful to be stuck looking like this for a while.. I really want to hug you right now, but I'm worried about accidentally poking out your eye..
A struggle to say, to believe. Robby can hear it in Chizuru's voice without trying to search for it, and thought he knows it's hard, it doesn't diminish what she's offering. What she's doing, giving to him, while it's a sentiment meant for the both of them. Because she wants him to believe it the most, doesn't she? It's not meant to be torture, but Chizuru continues to take the steps, find her own belief; and Robby's mouth isn't quite a smile, but it's warm in the way it's pulled back.
Because it's what they would have wanted.
It had been what that man had wanted for Chizuru. And for him... the fisherman hadn't readily sacrificed himself for anyone, but he'd been ready to be left behind, hadn't he? Just so they could escape. Because there was nothing to be done for him. But 2B had gone up and beyond, had made sure to give his passing a privacy only for them.
...maybe it's for them they need to be strong. It's too complicated a feeling for Robby to sort out here, know if he can accept it, but he can understand the sentiment a little better right now, he thinks.
Even as Chizuru goes on in a new struggle. Robby breathes, a sound like a chuckle, as he moves himself in his seating; twisting so to make his body a potential crook to be rested against, motioning to her with the arm on her side. ]
Here-- [ He pats at the spot where his collarbone is. ] Put your head here. Just don't make any sudden movements up, okay?
[ Because that might lead to him getting an eye poked out, or punctured into. Either way, he's willing to try it for her. If she really wants it.
He'll even wrap that one arm around her, once she dares to come over. ]
[ Dare is definitely the right word to use for it. It shows in every single twitch of Chizuru's body as she moves over - the way she's worried about this plan. That she's afraid, even though that doesn't seem to stop her from at least giving it a try.
Possibly due to her trust in Robby.
Still, it's not a quick hug. Instead she slowly moves closer, inch by inch, moving to rest her head on his shoulder with the same gentleness one may use to put down a way too expensive vase after having cleaned it.
At least putting her arms around him once she's there is the easy part. Those aren't horned, at least - she has nothing to worry about there, which means she can easily hold Robby's warm body against her own. ]
Is it okay like this..? [ She asks once she's in that position. ] Is it not uncomfortable for you?
[ A beat, and then she adds, perhaps a bit more sternly - though by Chizuru standards, which is to say.. not really all that stern at all-- ]
You don't have to lie for my sake, so please be honest about it.
[ Don't let her hurt you just because she wanted a hug, Robby. :( Even though she can't deny that it does feel a lot more comfortable to be so close to him after baring both of their hearts like that. There's a comfort in it, a very physical reminder of the fact that neither of them is alone. ]
It's fine, [ he answers warmly -- and the answer would be the same under any tone, because it's a truth. One that ignores the real possibility that the part where one of the small tusks pressing in might start to ache in time, but they don't right now.
Right now, it's comfortable. Looking out at whatever furniture she and Scorpia have in the room, his arm around Chizuru's shoulder. Thinking to remark: ]
This is where we'd watch shows or movies back home. You'd have a rectangular box, right? The same shape the movies show in, and they'd show on that on a screen like the omnis. But everything's clearer, like in the Feed -- 'cept even better.
[ Because that's a little fuzzy. But it's a good topic to let their emotions slumber to, isn't it? The things they don't have, ones that aren't so depressive. ]
We'd watch a comedy, so we wouldn't have to think. Like... the one about the girl who goes to school to become a lawyer, or the guy who finds out he can talk to animals.
[ 'We', Robby says, and as Chizuru rests against him for a moment she can't help but let her thoughts drift off for a moment. Away from those sad memories, away from the heavy topics. Right towards trying to imagine what it must have been like. Robby sitting there, watching a movie with someone dear to him.
Laughing, maybe. (She hopes.)
She resists the urge to ask what a 'lawyer' is, instead allowing her eyes to fall shut for a moment as she rests against him. Perhaps it's easier to imagine it that way. ]
We didn't have movies, but we had stories. [ She softly says, adding onto the image he's creating here. A topic that brushes close to something painful, but Chizuru tries to focus on the good of it as well as she can, on the way she felt back then. ] Father used to tell me those sometimes before bedtime when I was younger.
[ Before everything got so messy and complicated (before he was just gone), a spiral that kept repeating and growing wilder all the way to here in Trench. ]
They were usually a little scarier than those movies sound. But I liked listening anyway.
I can tell you the one about the lawyer, [ Robby offers. ] I think I remember most of that one.
[ And this was where he was going with it, wasn't he? A story, something to distract them, or just to fill that space when you've shared your heart, and then there's that empty place that's been left, inside and around you. He gives her a little nudge, figures, with a voice faking sly, ]
--guess I need to explain what a lawyer is? [ And to a hum, or any kid of yes, or maybe regardless: ] --It's alright. I'll explain that in the story.
[ Because it'll become important, but it's not important at the beginning. At the beginning... ]
First, we start where the story does, with a girl at this university getting ready for a big date...
[ And so this break from emptied hearts is filled by recalling the story of Legally Blonde. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Robby understands it. It's not a singular 'You' that he speaks with; his voice too soft to be misinterpreted as anything than coming from somewhere deeper in him. He can't pretend to know her true pain - of losing someone who saw you like family, a special connection only realised at the very end - but he doesn't need to, he thinks. That's her pain, and they don't need to understand every instant of each other's to see the similarities of their paths.
Or just to feel each other. He hopes that's the case, relies on it being so, letting the seconds give them pause for their hearts to breathe. Before he figures -- this is where he goes next. Without it being a real question to himself, but an acknowledgement that comes naturally with his gaze lowering. ]
I, uh... I got sent to the place-- the other city. Where all the religious people were, grabbing people and trying to get them on their side. But the ones we were with... if they didn't think you were with them, they-- killed you. That was it. And every night, someone died, someone else selling them out.
[ It had only been two nights, but both had been the same. We have been informed, echoing in that small chapel, the smell of blood that further soaked the furniture already stained. He couldn't stay there and watch. He didn't want to stay there and watch. ]
I recognised someone from the beach-- one of the fishermen. He had a bad leg, walked with a limp, but I-- I told him we should try and join the ones who patrol. Get some weapons and get out of there. I had to convince him.
[ He convinced him. He could almost laugh, but he doesn't make more than a breathy sound, damp around the edges. Quiet, before he shrugs with one shoulder. ]
And um, well... someone heard us. He went to get someone else, but they knew-- they grabbed me too.
[ He sniffs, wipes at his nose, and then the back of his eyes. Sucks in the air deep into his lungs, holding it before releasing as a shaky breath. He doesn't speak, not right away, the words hard to get out over his closing throat. ]
--if I'd been better, they'd be here.
[ And it struggles to get out even that, his eyes lifting onto Chizuru, the smile he tugs on his face as a tear drops down his cheek. ]
no subject
Usually Chizuru's words, the reassurances.. they would spill out so easily, especially in the face of such pain. Chizuru has never been able to stare at anyone who cries and not immediately want to soothe all of their worries, to excuse them of anything.
But it's a little harder here. Not because she thinks Robby did anything wrong in that situation, but just.. because the sentiment is so terribly familiar. Chizuru didn't get stuck in that other world, thankfully, but she heard about it even before now. How brutal it was, how scary it was.. And it definitely seems like Robby had to deal with the worst of it, similar to the crappy situations back in Chizuru's own wartorn world.
And this is how it always ends, right? Seeing people get hurt, being unable to help them, and telling yourself over and over and over-- if I had done something else, they might have lived.
If only I hadn't existed-- ]
It's okay..
[ Her voice is so soft, barely audible. She does look directly at Robby as she speaks though, his own teary eyes mirrored by how watery her own become as she looks at him, but the girl doesn't avert her gaze. ]
I get it. [ She can't say anything else without lying to herself, right? It's not his fault - sure, she thinks that, but at the same time she has a terribly hard time not blaming herself for Inoue's fate either. It's not as easy as hearing yourself being absolved by someone else and just instantly believing it.
So maybe this is all she can say. Holding his hands just the tiniest bit tighter, squeezing them, just to convey her sincerity in saying: ]
It's so heavy, isn't it..? I feel it too, Robby.. You're being so strong for enduring it.
no subject
It doesn't feel like anything else than being alive, having no other choice than to exist. This happened, and you can't change that fact -- you can only continue to be, or not. Robby's sure that someone with soothing words would have plenty more to give on how surviving after someone didn't can make you stronger, but he isn't sure he could believe it.
But he doesn't want to dismiss Chizuru, either. Instead, he'd like to wonder: does she feel strong? When she talks about herself as anything but. He looks at their hands with that thought, sniffs a little (quietly), then looks her back in the eyes. ]
You know that if I am, then you have to be too, right? [ Lightly, he points it out like a joke. But there's the edges of making her accept what she's brought forward here. Even if he still wants to say, 'I just feel like someone who got lucky,' he keeps it back, down in his throat, breathing deeply to keep his tears from flowing more than they have.
If she accepts it, then Robby can too. ]
no subject
[ With how close they are right now, and with everything they've already shared, it's probably easy for Robby to recognize that Chizuru is struggling a little with saying that. But despite the struggle, she is saying it. She does manage to force the words out of her mouth, despite both of them being stuck with the exact same feeling. Someone who got lucky, someone who isn't necessarily strong-- just someone who happened to make it to the other side when someone else didn't.
But when Chizuru can't abandon him to that feeling, she knows she has to say this. She knows she has to at least try to believe it. That she is somehow strong, so Robby can be strong too. As strong and beautiful as he is in her eyes. ]
Because.. [ She slowly starts, but the girl seems to find a little bit more strength as she speaks on, not letting her gaze drop from meeting his. ] Even though it's hard, and even though it's painful, we're still going.
[ It's just an objective fact.
They haven't given up. They're still living their lives, despite everything. Still trying. ]
Because it's what they would have wanted.
[ This much she knows. She can picture it in her head. Inoue's kind smile, his arm extended to pat her on the head, how he'd tell her something like why are you crying over this old man, silly girl? He'd want her to be strong.
Even though it's hard, just like she says. She knows that the feelings she's struggling with in her heart, even at this moment, have to be reflected inside of Robby's own. It's that thought that makes her swallow to try and contain the feelings, before letting out a dry laugh that almost sounds more like a sob, speaking on with: ]
S-See, this is why it's so awful to be stuck looking like this for a while.. I really want to hug you right now, but I'm worried about accidentally poking out your eye..
no subject
A struggle to say, to believe. Robby can hear it in Chizuru's voice without trying to search for it, and thought he knows it's hard, it doesn't diminish what she's offering. What she's doing, giving to him, while it's a sentiment meant for the both of them. Because she wants him to believe it the most, doesn't she? It's not meant to be torture, but Chizuru continues to take the steps, find her own belief; and Robby's mouth isn't quite a smile, but it's warm in the way it's pulled back.
Because it's what they would have wanted.
It had been what that man had wanted for Chizuru. And for him... the fisherman hadn't readily sacrificed himself for anyone, but he'd been ready to be left behind, hadn't he? Just so they could escape. Because there was nothing to be done for him. But 2B had gone up and beyond, had made sure to give his passing a privacy only for them.
...maybe it's for them they need to be strong. It's too complicated a feeling for Robby to sort out here, know if he can accept it, but he can understand the sentiment a little better right now, he thinks.
Even as Chizuru goes on in a new struggle. Robby breathes, a sound like a chuckle, as he moves himself in his seating; twisting so to make his body a potential crook to be rested against, motioning to her with the arm on her side. ]
Here-- [ He pats at the spot where his collarbone is. ] Put your head here. Just don't make any sudden movements up, okay?
[ Because that might lead to him getting an eye poked out, or punctured into. Either way, he's willing to try it for her. If she really wants it.
He'll even wrap that one arm around her, once she dares to come over. ]
no subject
Possibly due to her trust in Robby.
Still, it's not a quick hug. Instead she slowly moves closer, inch by inch, moving to rest her head on his shoulder with the same gentleness one may use to put down a way too expensive vase after having cleaned it.
At least putting her arms around him once she's there is the easy part. Those aren't horned, at least - she has nothing to worry about there, which means she can easily hold Robby's warm body against her own. ]
Is it okay like this..? [ She asks once she's in that position. ] Is it not uncomfortable for you?
[ A beat, and then she adds, perhaps a bit more sternly - though by Chizuru standards, which is to say.. not really all that stern at all-- ]
You don't have to lie for my sake, so please be honest about it.
[ Don't let her hurt you just because she wanted a hug, Robby. :( Even though she can't deny that it does feel a lot more comfortable to be so close to him after baring both of their hearts like that. There's a comfort in it, a very physical reminder of the fact that neither of them is alone. ]
no subject
Right now, it's comfortable. Looking out at whatever furniture she and Scorpia have in the room, his arm around Chizuru's shoulder. Thinking to remark: ]
This is where we'd watch shows or movies back home. You'd have a rectangular box, right? The same shape the movies show in, and they'd show on that on a screen like the omnis. But everything's clearer, like in the Feed -- 'cept even better.
[ Because that's a little fuzzy. But it's a good topic to let their emotions slumber to, isn't it? The things they don't have, ones that aren't so depressive. ]
We'd watch a comedy, so we wouldn't have to think. Like... the one about the girl who goes to school to become a lawyer, or the guy who finds out he can talk to animals.
no subject
Laughing, maybe. (She hopes.)
She resists the urge to ask what a 'lawyer' is, instead allowing her eyes to fall shut for a moment as she rests against him. Perhaps it's easier to imagine it that way. ]
We didn't have movies, but we had stories. [ She softly says, adding onto the image he's creating here. A topic that brushes close to something painful, but Chizuru tries to focus on the good of it as well as she can, on the way she felt back then. ] Father used to tell me those sometimes before bedtime when I was younger.
[ Before everything got so messy and complicated (before he was just gone), a spiral that kept repeating and growing wilder all the way to here in Trench. ]
They were usually a little scarier than those movies sound. But I liked listening anyway.
oh no...is it a wrap...!?
[ And this was where he was going with it, wasn't he? A story, something to distract them, or just to fill that space when you've shared your heart, and then there's that empty place that's been left, inside and around you. He gives her a little nudge, figures, with a voice faking sly, ]
--guess I need to explain what a lawyer is? [ And to a hum, or any kid of yes, or maybe regardless: ] --It's alright. I'll explain that in the story.
[ Because it'll become important, but it's not important at the beginning. At the beginning... ]
First, we start where the story does, with a girl at this university getting ready for a big date...
[ And so this break from emptied hearts is filled by recalling the story of Legally Blonde. ]