[ At least Neo's answer is sweet. Not that Chizuru really expected any different from her friend, really. For all of Neopolitan's talk of the bad stuff she's done, Chizuru has never experienced her to be anything but sweet to her, especially at vulnerable moments like these.
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
[Oh, hmmmm... no. No she didn't think that was it. But, she did think that maybe Chizuru was in the right ballpark. Either way, she wasn't lacking in the "Good enough to date" category in her mind. How to put this? She was obviously thinking about it for a moment before nodding.]
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better? So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship? So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date. Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
[her lips thinned and she considered that for a moment. Jinx saying that wasn't ... no, it wasn't wrong. In a healthy relationship they should have been able to find happiness together for each other. They didn't always have to be 'in love' or anything really intense or super happy, but they should be able to find happiness. But...]
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy. At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think. It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself. Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content. Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content. right?
[ There's a slight nod on Chizuru's end, though it still seems like the girl is very much sunken in thought. ]
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
[Hmmm, well. She'd been the one to open this can of worms. today'd ended up a bit more weighty a talk, but at the same time? It probably needed to be. She had to think about this, because it was... honestly a very hard question for her. She'd never really been content except when Emerald had been in the dream and when Roman had been alive.
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you. I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really. We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you. And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want. And even when you're ready to ask for more.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
no subject
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better?
So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship?
So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date.
Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
no subject
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
no subject
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy.
At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think.
It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself.
Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content.
Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content.
right?
no subject
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
But is that not enough..?
no subject
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you.
I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really.
We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you.
And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want.
And even when you're ready to ask for more.
This should be on your time. Not ours.