[ She gets that - in theory - he doesn't mind, or he wouldn't be offering this. Heck, she'd know that even without the offer, since it's just what Robby is like. He's always entirely too nice, always entirely too willing to help her out with just about anything.
Which is why she quickly adds, speaking so fast that she nearly trips over her own words: ]
N-Not that I think you'd mind! But, it's just..
[ ... ]
I look really, really awful right now. I think it might be too much even for someone as kind as you. Even if it's not as if I'm eating people or something.. [ Apparently that joke example is just sticking around now, huh. ] .. it's still not great to be around me right now, I'm sure. That's why I thought it'd be better for me to see as few people as possible..
[ Which is why she hadn't contacted Robby at all for the past two days or so either, whereas she usually might have tried to check in on him too, especially so close to the end of the month. ]
[ Robby remembers about the guy saying he'd been turned into a full-body skeleton, and how the thought of possibly meeting him had, admittedly, freaked him the fuck out. Would he feel the same about Chizuru? He wonders, and then he changes the shape of the curse, the horrors it could be, in his head a few times. Truthfully, he's not so creative to get past a slime monster and maybe a head half-exposed from some kind of hacking of a blade or shotgun wound, but-- ]
That sounds lonely. [ --that's the sentiment that sticks with him louder than any visual horror, a sympathy soft from his lips.
It could be bad. It could be worse than Chizuru is capable of describing, it could be a bad idea to not trust her judgment, but. ]
I'll be round in ten minutes? [ He wants to be there. Pass over the idea of asking her for a picture and confirming the strength of his stomach, and just go for it. Because it's Chizuru, and that's all he needs as an excuse, a reason.
(He takes care of his, is what tugs at his reasoning.) ]
[ It's a soft agreement, but agreement all the same. If she asked whether he's sure, and he still agrees on coming over, then Chizuru won't bother to question again - his answer is clear.
And while she's still a little worried about his potential reaction to the way she looks right now, she knows nothing about it can be helped now. He's coming over. He's going to see it, one way or another. So Chizuru just closes the feed, and then waits.
(There's anxiety in her chest, but she tries to be strong.)
All the way until she can hear the knock on the door. She's been letting Scorpia open the door for the past two days, not wanting to expose herself to anyone and her roommate thankfully understanding her desire to hide for a while, but she knows that it's for her this time.
So Chizuru sucks in a breath, and opens the door. If it wasn't for the fact that Chizuru and Scorpia's bodies are very different, it would have been hard to realise it's even Chizuru at the door though. The girl's body is the same as ever, but her face and head are much different. Her skin a deep red, twisted, horns growing out of it, her head completely bald and with a permanent frown etched onto her features, even though the eyes - and the emotion that shows in them, shyness and worry - definitely are Chizuru's own in the middle of it all.
It's tempting to not say anything, but she doesn't want to put the burden of that on Robby, so she instead forces out a shaky: ]
[ He has more time to consider further possibilities on what he's going to be walking into, meeting Chizuru. More horror victims, with a lot more blood than he probably should be going for, Robby realises, when he actually starts to question what Chizuru would go for. But he can't accurately say, when his mind wanders over to softer subjects: why not a butterfly? Is a butterfly good for a Black Parade? Okay, what about -- a ghost?
All this to say, he isn't quite ready for what he does meet when he climbs the stoop before her and Scorpia's front door. Taking in a breath, preparing himself before he knocks on the door.
Some kind of Japanese horror should have been obvious, but this is a guy who hasn't even seen The Ring.
Still: it does cause him to stop. The face that meets him not quite a face at first but a boiling rage, or so is how he sees the scarlet red foremost, before his eyes can adjust. There's eyes there too, almost hidden by the thick burrowing brows (eyes that may not want to keep looking at him, with his looking at her like this), and her voice hasn't changed. Everything is still Chizuru, underneath.
His surprise relaxes as the seconds count. It's really not as bad as he thought it'd be, and he wants to convey that, somehow, but words alone don't seem to be enough. When there's this face that shames her, a body of red, when--
It's not straightforward, a horn protruding out of the front of Chizuru's cheek, but Robby manages to slip his hand along the side of her face all same; fingers laying over more of her ear and his thumb brushing against the muscle of cheek that he can get to. He smiles at her, dimples forming as it widens. ]
Hey, Chizuru. [ You look great won't work here; You look fine sounds like it's patronising her worries.
[ Chizuru thought she was going to be strong about this. More than anything - she just didn't want to make Robby uncomfortable, and she could imagine that he'd feel that way. It's a whole lot to see a friend suddenly transformed like this, after all. Not only in a way that leaves them practically unrecognizable, but not even in a good way, instead looking hideous. So she has to be strong, and do her best to seem okay, just so Robby won't have to comfort someone who looks like this. A monster.
But then-- Robby does so anyway.
Even without Chizuru asking for it. Even with her doing absolutely nothing but trying to greet the other despite the circumstances, despite the anxiety in her gut. He's reaching out, and he's actually touching her face, the touch dulled by the way her skin is so much thicker, but she can still feel it.
And that's where it gets to be too much. Chizuru isn't that strong at all, after all. It's like something inside of her buckles at the touch, and after standing there and trying to process it for a few seconds, she moves. Her feet stepping forward, just a touch closer to the other, until she buries her face against his shoulder.. or, rather, as well as she can. The upside of Chizuru's current look is that none of the horns stick directly forward, so he shouldn't get any of the painful pointy edges shoved into him by the action, but some of the horns are still pressing their sides against him a little - it probably isn't all that comfortable, and it means there's still a slight distance between them.
But Chizuru can't think about that right now. With everything that she's been through ever since this sudden and frightening transformation, and then Robby showing up and saying he's glad he came over..
.. all she can do is start to cry, loudly sobbing against him. Unable to even get out any words, the only noises being the crying. ]
His own heart - and mind - have been a mess of an existence, his body more hollow than real, working on automatic than anything he gives real thought for. He needs to move all the time, his brain won't let him sleep, and now he exists with the bitterness a constant in the back of his throat. Tory's visit to the clinic isn't until next month, and there's nothing good in life right now.
But there is Chizuru. There's her pressing against him, seeking comfort, and he doesn't care for the way her horns dig in close to bone; not sharply, but still thick and unyielding, and he wraps his arms around her shoulders and the back of her head, and lets her come in as close as she wants to be. ]
Hey, [ he whispers; a voice not to stop her, but to cradle her the same as his embrace, his fingers and thumb on the back of her hair stroking through it, along it. ] It's okay. You're gonna be okay.
[ He won't stop her tears. He won't tell her to stop, but might even let his head bow close to hers, giving her all the time she needs to let it out. Might even, once her sobs quiet to the trembling that one is left with after crying, quietly rock her, slowly, against him; if there's nothing she does to stop him at any point, if she lets him -- be there for her, comfort her.
Then Robby will, here on this stoop, with no intentions to interrupt until she manages to quiet down naturally. ]
[ It does take a while. Not endlessly long, but just long enough that it's a good thing that Robby is being patient here. It's like all the feelings Chizuru has cropped up within herself, telling herself that she can deal with all of it, are pouring out all at once. Like the entire dam has broken after the first tear has fallen, and she can't help but stand there in Robby's arms until she's all dried out.
When she is, the girl sucks in a shaky breath, trying to calm herself further down - especially when she can feel that her body is trembling, and that it means he must be feeling the same thing, considering how close together they are in this moment. ]
.. I'm sorry.
[ Her voice is so soft, an incredibly quiet apology. Little more than a whisper, and she steps back slowly, like she wants to make sure to untangle this hug carefully, so he doesn't get hit by any of the horns growing out of her.
Chizuru raises a hand, trying to wipe the remainders of tears off her face, even though it only reminds her of its grotesque shape. ]
You came all the way over here to see me. I shouldn't-- [ Have cried on him? Worried him?
There are so many things she ought to apologize to Robby for, she thinks. Robby, who surely must be having a hard time of his own, and here she is, only thinking about her own problem. Selfish. ]
.. I should've greeted you with a smile. Or asked you how you are doing..
[ He lets her move back without resistance, a wet patch on his jacket left from her tears, but Robby isn't exactly looking down and examining. His hands linger against her arms up until she wipes at her face, dropping slowly back down to his sides. ]
You can still do that. [ It's spoken softly, if not as softly as Chizuru is; a smile in it - and on his face - that's reassuring and light, a peak of sunlight in an otherwise dull, grey moment.
He lifts his hands again, touches her near her elbows in a temporary gesture. ] But we can do that inside. [ And, a little firmer: ] I came here to see you, so it's okay to be however you feel right now, okay?
[ It's a soft response, but it is a response - and one that doesn't outright reject what Robby is saying here. After all, he's expressing his feelings. If he feels that it's okay to him for her to feel the way she does right now, then she can't just question his feelings.
.. no matter how hard it is to feel like it's alright to feel bad.
Instead of dwelling on that thought, Chizuru reaches out, slowly seeking out one of Robby's hands to hold it in her own. It's a light grasp, but just strong enough to hold on to that hand even as she turns to head into the house, taking him along to the living room. Scorpia is out, so the girl figures that it's probably fine for them to sit down there together for a bit. ]
So.. [ ... ] Robby, how are you doing..?
[ The smiling part - that's still too hard for her. Even as they move into the living room, and Chizuru guides them to sit down on the couch together, the girl doesn't smile. The way her current face falls easily makes it look like she's frowning in the first place, but smiling requires a kind of energy she doesn't have within herself right now, no matter how glad she is for the other's company in this moment.
But she can at least live up to the other part of what she said she wish she had done sooner - asking that. ]
[ He lets her lead him without question, without thought of where they're going. But he sees the seating once they're in the living room, and he takes his place beside her. If there's a chance she doesn't drop his hand when they take their places, then Robby won't take it back; he'll let it exist between them, even give her hand a little squeeze.
That's her emotional support hand, that is. ]
Well... actually, I've been having a tough time, too. [ He can't be dishonest now, can he? After he called her out on it, and came all this way to see her. It's odd when he turns and sees her face, and doesn't actually see it at all; his eyes searching for what's not there, but at the same time, it's more like a mask than a different person.
If only he could peel that away from her. As it is, he doesn't drop his smile -- small, anyway, in the first place. ]
Uh, it turns out the Pthumerian I'm under is Cloverfield, which means I have to feel miserable all month. [ He huffs a sound like a short laugh, but more of a breath. ] But I've been getting some medicine that works to help me sleep. But I'm looking forward to the end of the month. Here's hoping we get something better, right?
[ He'd ask about her blood effects, but this seems miserable enough for Chizuru. Instead: ]
[ It's so much harder to precisely see Chizuru's facial expressions. The shape of her current face is so extreme that it's hard for it to really take on the shape most faces would when expressing emotion - though it's at least visible that her brows pinch a bit tighter together, like she's frowning more so than her default facial expression in this state.
It's with worry over the other. Even if Robby mentions it all so lightly, like it's no big deal, Chizuru still can't imagine it being great when you can hardly sleep all month. It instantly makes her feel a little guilty at herself, if not outright mad. How dare she bother Robby with her own problems when he's having a hard time too? Isn't she being cruel?
Even as she mentally berates herself, Chizuru doesn't let go of that hand. It is her emotional support hand in this moment, but she hopes that it can be the same for him in return, especially when her hand still thankfully looks the way it always does. This way she can give him a part of her that isn't so twisted. ]
I'm so sorry, Robby.
[ It's sympathetic, but at least soft enough that it doesn't draw attention to his own problems too dramatically. ]
It must have been difficult for you.. [ And there's never any real telling whether or not the next month will be better.
She it will be - for his sake. ]
Is.. Cloverfield such a miserable person? I have to admit that I don't know much about that one.. [ She continues, briefly shaking her head-- ] I haven't received a gift yet the way people tend to do during the month of their patron Pthumerian, so.. um, I'm not sure which one's mine.
[ Her face is a mask, perhaps even a statue, in how unflinching it mostly seems to be; except for when they allowed her tears to flow earlier, and in letting her twist its already twisted features further.
But that voice is still Chizuru. What she speaks, the sympathies given; they make Robby duck his head some, but he's not so embarrassed that he won't look back at her again, red face and all. ]
To be honest, I think Cloverfield is meant to be a kid? ...for a robot. [ Or, are they a robot? Robby isn't sure as he says it, brows pulled together as he even works his way through the words, looking at Chizuru as he explains: ] Someone took me to see him. He sounds lonely, so... --I don't know, I don't really get it.
[ What the connection means, or have to mean; why they exist in the first place. He got some memory-holder crystal from them, but he doesn't know how to feel, but even with the frustration that's been provided from his crying, his emotions loosening from his control -- he doesn't want to make a big deal out of them right now. Not with Chizuru, who he gives a tiny shrug to. ]
Hopefully your Pthumerian will be someone good? [ Though, more importantly-- ] Would you ever want to meet them?
I guess.. if they're someone good, I wouldn't really mind.
[ Though it'd probably still be kind of intimidating? Chizuru hasn't met many of the Pthumerians face to face, if any at all at this point.. but she's heard plenty of people talk about them in this place, and they always speak of those beings like they're like gods. Powerful. Chizuru isn't too sure how she'd be expected to behave around one. ]
Though it's a little scary if they can make you feel a certain way so easily. [ Like what happened to Robby. Chizuru thinks the other seems like a plenty strong person, so if he wasn't able to resist that influence even just a little bit, then there's especially no hope for a girl like her, who already gets into enough trouble on months that aren't even her own patron Pthumerian's. ] Especially if.. um, when they are bad, they could abuse that power so much, right?
[ .. that is a scary idea. And she pauses, thinks, and then gently asks: ]
Do you think Cloverfield did it on purpose? [ Making Robby feel so bad, that is.
Chizuru figures maybe not, if Cloverfield themselves is so lonely too. Maybe it just spills out, feelings left with nowhere to go instead settling into the Sleepers Cloverfield has associated themselves with. ]
[ It would be good for Chizuru to be linked with a good Pthumerian. It's strange that they need to be linked with anyone, but it seems the same as just getting stuck with a zodiac because of when you're born. ... if that actually did anything to your day-to-day life.
(Sure, there's apparently traits to them, but Robby's never believed in anything like that. It's who your parents are that you need to worry about -- everyone tells him he's like his dad when they want to hurt him.)
But what about the real life connections they had to deal with? ]
...I don't know. I don't think so. [ It's a slow answer, where finding his truth -- he has to search for it right there. They didn't seem the type, even if that hadn't made it any less frustrating. But Robby leans back against the back of the sofa, plays with their joined hands by just wiggling them a bit. ]
But it'd be great not to have to deal with it anyway. [ This time though, there's a smile -- a soft sigh that preludes it, and he's looking at her and her hardened face. ] Like a lot of things around here. I'm pretty cried out at this point now, but, what about you?
[ Not just tears, but: ] You got a good outlet here?
[ There's a soft breath, perhaps a bit of embarrassment at being reminded of how much she cried on Robby just now. It's not full on shame, since Chizuru at least isn't ashamed to show her emotions, but.. it's just that she worries a little about having burdened the other, as Chizuru ever does with all the people around her. ]
Hmm-mm.
[ That's a 'yes', at least, and it's a sincere yes. Chizuru does feel like she got to get out a lot of the emotions that had been sitting inside of her chest, all cropped up and painful. ]
I'm sorry though, Robby. I'm always burdening you. [ Between this, and her blindness the last month.. It's like she's asking something of him every single month they're both here.
She glances at their hands, allowing Robby to swing them a little without resistance on her end. ] And yet I haven't done a thing to help you with your own problems.
[ Other than getting him into a human form and off the beach when he showed up as a squid, but-- look, Chizuru thinks that's just common decency! Something anyone would do! ]
[ She hasn't done anything to help him. He gets what she means, but yet, it's wrong in his ears to hear, as if she hasn't been someone around in his life. She helped him back to land when he was most dazed and confused; she's been helping him learn to cook, been a comfort and fun, a piece of positivity in his time while in Trench.
He looks down at their held hands when he thinks about it, if she'd believe it.
He puts his other hand over hers, cupping it, sucking in a breath as he considers her feelings in this. ]
Not everyone is as nice as you. [ Not everyone would want to help like you. It's not aimed as a compliment, but as a fact, the same way he had to tell Sam after she helped to get a roof under his head. 'Anyone would.' No; not everyone. ]
...All month, I've been thinking about someone I watched die. I didn't know how to deal with it; as soon as I thought about it, I would start crying, and it just got worst the longer the month went on. [ And there's the hints of it even now, something wet growing to his dipped voice, the way he doesn't look up at Chizuru. ] I would try to sleep, but I couldn't, and then I'd think about it more, and-- I'd be up all night, thinking about everything.
[ He looks up at Chizuru now, a feigned smile across his lips with the chuckle he gives. The tears really do come easy, to a face that was dry moments ago, to what now gathers around the rings of his eyes, escaping down his cheeks. ]
I know I'm a hypocrite. I tell you all the time to let me help you, but I-- I didn't want to say anything. When I think about it now, I--
[ I know it's my fault. But he can't visit the words that rush out, pushed with the rising upset in his chest. Robby swallows, breathes in against a chest that doesn't want the oxygen, and slowly exhales. Looking at his hands holding onto Chizuru's. The skin is thick red, not soft, but his thumbs rub along the side of it. Even if he's not looking at her, the tears are more evident. ]
If I'm with you, I don't have to think about it. We can be us, and we can ignore what's happening. Because we have to wait until it's over, right? But we have fun when we're together.
[ It's true, isn't it? Even if his logic isn't very sound, because how can the trauma of watching someone lose their life be over at the end of a month? But that, Robby doesn't want to think about; but he can be honest and admit, because maybe Chizuru deserves it: ]
I don't know how to ask for help, but you help me by being here.
It's not horrifying to Chizuru in the way it might be to most people who lead a normal life - in the sense that it's new, and terrifying. The girl has already seen so many people die right in front of her back home. Heck, she's probably seen that happen more often there than she has in this place, even with all the danger around Trench.
But that doesn't mean she doesn't know how heart-wrenching it can be. Especially for someone like Robby, she thinks, who is so kind. So soft, despite all his muscle and jokes. It's not a surprise to her that he cried about it, and there's no way she'd think less of him for it.
Or for crying right now, Chizuru silent as she stares at him. Maybe she should feel lucky that she already cried herself dry a moment ago, since it makes it feel a little harder for tears to break through now. It means she can focus on Robby himself in this moment, rather than get lost in tears due to the sympathy she feels for his plight. ]
You don't have to ask for help.
[ Her voice is soft as she speaks up, a tiny pause between him finishing saying all of that, and her slowly starting to speak. It sounds like Chizuru is choosing her words carefully here, but not in a bad way. They're still soft, and genuine, which probably means she just wants to make sure to properly express herself here, especially in the face of Robby admitting this much. ]
If you're ever feeling that bad, then.. you can just reach me, and ask me if I have a moment to talk. It doesn't even have to be about what you're feeling-- anything is fine. Even if it's really late at night, my Omen can wake me up.
[ And it's not like Chizuru - who has spent so much time in a tense town on the verge of war - is foreign to the concept of waking up in the middle of the night. She's used to it by now, being able to snap awake way too easily. ]
I mean.. um, I get it, a little bit. Right before I ended up here, I actually watched more than one person die as well. For my sake. [ That last part is what made it hard for her. Even though Chizuru is able to push through watching people die, no matter how much her heart hurts, it's that last part that trips her up. ] And I also felt that it was easier to just.. not talk about it. Not wanting to say anything, because.. um, who would understand anyway, or maybe it's too personal of a problem, or maybe I should just be dealing with it..
[ Her voice trails off, and then she shakes her head, looking back at Robby and squeezing the other's hands as well as she can with her own being cupped like this. ]
E-Either way, what I mean to say is-- I get it if there are things that are too hard to talk about. And that's fine, we don't have to! I just..
[ Her voice trails off. ]
I don't want you to be alone during the moments where it's hard, you know..? It's okay to rely on me a little at those times. That's what we're friends for.
[ It's funny. Really, really funny, to hear Chizuru giving the same solutions he would give back to her in a heartbeat. But the thing is, he never took it, even after being the one constantly in their relationship to push for her to accept his help. And yes, he already called himself out -- but he's having to face it now, the way he's been unfair. Not out of any disregard for Chizuru, what she can handle.
But because they're both similar, in places. It's too personal a problem, who would understand anyway.
So, it's funny in a sad way. But she lets there be spaces where her kindness can seep in, or he makes the room for it: by speaking about it, and Chizuru proving it right after, the things about her that he enjoys. The way she makes this place brighter for him, just by being herself.
He looks down, not really trying to hide his face; but just to give himself a moment before he looks back at her - realising his hold on her hand as it is to le her do more with her fingers when he feels her moving it, a small side-ways smile pinching to one side of his mouth. ]
Would you believe me if I told you I'm getting used to having people I can talk to? [ He sniffs, uses the back of his sleeve to wipe at his eyes. ] Did you know the person? Who died.
[ Though Chizuru gives no verbal answer to the first part of what he's saying, the smile on her face is probably enough answer in and of itself, right? She's willing to believe it - and she's glad for it too. It's funny how kind of similar they are in that way, even if it may come from slightly different causes, only really getting used to that feeling here.
(But she wants him to be used to it. She wants to be able to lighten Robby's heart, even if it's just a little bit.. because isn't that what friends do?)
And friends.. they're also honest, even when they talk about painful stuff. Chizuru hasn't told anyone about the basically traumatic incident that happened right before she washed up on the shore here, and somehow it feels harder to start about it after all this time. ]
Yes.
[ Maybe if she's honest, then Robby can be honest too. Then he can see that it's okay to talk about all of this, no matter the obstacles in your way. ]
He was one of the captains of the group I was staying with. Some of the captains were.. pretty hostile to me, especially early on, because of-- um, a lot of complicated circumstances. [ She shakes her strangely grotesque red head, momentarily forgotten in the middle of the thoughts about the story she's recalling. ] But Inoue-san.. he was always kind to me. He was one of the oldest captains, so maybe that had something to do with it.
[ Something about being wiser, more experienced. More willing to give others a chance. ]
.. and the dumb thing is-- I thought he was just.. like that to everyone, you know? [ She looks down, unable to continue holding Robby's gaze. At least it doesn't seem like she's about to cry again, but her voice is a little unsteady. ] But then we got into really big trouble together, and I told him to run and leave me behind, and then Inoue-san-- he said--
[ She swallows. It's clearly a painful memory to recall, especially for the first time in months and months, but she wants to push herself for Robby's sake as well. ]
He said.. 'what parent wouldn't lay down their life to protect their child?' I had no idea he even felt that way, and then he just-- he died. To protect me.
[ Before Chizuru had even been able to tell him that it wasn't as natural as Inoue made it out to be, that her own father seemed so much more eager to sacrifice her life than his own. And yet there had been a man with not even a blood relationship to her, someone she thought was just kind to her because he was kind to all people as young as her, and yet he went that far for her. ]
[ It's a story more personal than Robby's own. Even from the start, there's more of a history implied between Chizuru and who this person is about, and Robby's own circumstances. But it comes through quickly just how much, and while Robby watches her, he keeps his gaze soft, and doesn't try to keep her eye. His hand still with hers twitching for the thumb that wants to caress her hardened skin reassuringly, to help her through the tale.
It threatens to choke him, the way her own emotions well, as if misery needs even extra company than just another body present. Robby breathes as he hears it, the kind of relationship they had (the one that the man gave her, someone watching over her, someone who could feel so strongly for them, even when they have no reason to), and bows his head. The last of her words strike the hardest, and it's like he's there again on his knees, unable to watch as the man took his last breath.
He really could choke. But Robby's careful, pushing down on the upset, his sigh audible before he speaks. ]
I didn't say anything, either. [ He felt so weak. But he doesn't want to linger on just that, brushing aside everything spoken before the end; though he struggles to find the words, not wanting to talk about how the man must've felt, or even platitudes about cherishing his memory. Rather... ]
Sometimes, you get to meet someone, and you never realised you could be lucky to meet someone like them. [ But did Chizuru realise? Did it feel that way? Robby looks at her, asking gently: ]
[ It's a soft admission, but also one that sounds a little guilty. Because it feels like she should have thought of him more, especially when he gave his entire life for her without even seemingly having had to think about it in this moment.
She could lie and look better, but she doesn't want to. Not in front of Robby, of all people. Not when they've been honest to each other so far. ]
I've tried to not think about it. It hurts too much. [ Even though it's months and months later now with how long she's been in Trench already, thinking back on it still hurts.
She can't imagine how much harder than even this that more recent pain must be for Robby.
Chizuru breathes in, and looks up at him, glad that the way her face is right now masks most of her emotions much more than they would usually show. She isn't sure if Robby shares this sentiment too, since it's entirely possible that he feels different about going through such a similar ordeal, but-- ]
If I think about it too hard.. I feel guilty just for living.
You should've been better, so they could still be alive.
[ Robby understands it. It's not a singular 'You' that he speaks with; his voice too soft to be misinterpreted as anything than coming from somewhere deeper in him. He can't pretend to know her true pain - of losing someone who saw you like family, a special connection only realised at the very end - but he doesn't need to, he thinks. That's her pain, and they don't need to understand every instant of each other's to see the similarities of their paths.
Or just to feel each other. He hopes that's the case, relies on it being so, letting the seconds give them pause for their hearts to breathe. Before he figures -- this is where he goes next. Without it being a real question to himself, but an acknowledgement that comes naturally with his gaze lowering. ]
I, uh... I got sent to the place-- the other city. Where all the religious people were, grabbing people and trying to get them on their side. But the ones we were with... if they didn't think you were with them, they-- killed you. That was it. And every night, someone died, someone else selling them out.
[ It had only been two nights, but both had been the same. We have been informed, echoing in that small chapel, the smell of blood that further soaked the furniture already stained. He couldn't stay there and watch. He didn't want to stay there and watch. ]
I recognised someone from the beach-- one of the fishermen. He had a bad leg, walked with a limp, but I-- I told him we should try and join the ones who patrol. Get some weapons and get out of there. I had to convince him.
[ He convinced him. He could almost laugh, but he doesn't make more than a breathy sound, damp around the edges. Quiet, before he shrugs with one shoulder. ]
And um, well... someone heard us. He went to get someone else, but they knew-- they grabbed me too.
[ He sniffs, wipes at his nose, and then the back of his eyes. Sucks in the air deep into his lungs, holding it before releasing as a shaky breath. He doesn't speak, not right away, the words hard to get out over his closing throat. ]
--if I'd been better, they'd be here.
[ And it struggles to get out even that, his eyes lifting onto Chizuru, the smile he tugs on his face as a tear drops down his cheek. ]
Usually Chizuru's words, the reassurances.. they would spill out so easily, especially in the face of such pain. Chizuru has never been able to stare at anyone who cries and not immediately want to soothe all of their worries, to excuse them of anything.
But it's a little harder here. Not because she thinks Robby did anything wrong in that situation, but just.. because the sentiment is so terribly familiar. Chizuru didn't get stuck in that other world, thankfully, but she heard about it even before now. How brutal it was, how scary it was.. And it definitely seems like Robby had to deal with the worst of it, similar to the crappy situations back in Chizuru's own wartorn world.
And this is how it always ends, right? Seeing people get hurt, being unable to help them, and telling yourself over and over and over-- if I had done something else, they might have lived.
If only I hadn't existed-- ]
It's okay..
[ Her voice is so soft, barely audible. She does look directly at Robby as she speaks though, his own teary eyes mirrored by how watery her own become as she looks at him, but the girl doesn't avert her gaze. ]
I get it. [ She can't say anything else without lying to herself, right? It's not his fault - sure, she thinks that, but at the same time she has a terribly hard time not blaming herself for Inoue's fate either. It's not as easy as hearing yourself being absolved by someone else and just instantly believing it.
So maybe this is all she can say. Holding his hands just the tiniest bit tighter, squeezing them, just to convey her sincerity in saying: ]
It's so heavy, isn't it..? I feel it too, Robby.. You're being so strong for enduring it.
It doesn't feel like anything else than being alive, having no other choice than to exist. This happened, and you can't change that fact -- you can only continue to be, or not. Robby's sure that someone with soothing words would have plenty more to give on how surviving after someone didn't can make you stronger, but he isn't sure he could believe it.
But he doesn't want to dismiss Chizuru, either. Instead, he'd like to wonder: does she feel strong? When she talks about herself as anything but. He looks at their hands with that thought, sniffs a little (quietly), then looks her back in the eyes. ]
You know that if I am, then you have to be too, right? [ Lightly, he points it out like a joke. But there's the edges of making her accept what she's brought forward here. Even if he still wants to say, 'I just feel like someone who got lucky,' he keeps it back, down in his throat, breathing deeply to keep his tears from flowing more than they have.
[ With how close they are right now, and with everything they've already shared, it's probably easy for Robby to recognize that Chizuru is struggling a little with saying that. But despite the struggle, she is saying it. She does manage to force the words out of her mouth, despite both of them being stuck with the exact same feeling. Someone who got lucky, someone who isn't necessarily strong-- just someone who happened to make it to the other side when someone else didn't.
But when Chizuru can't abandon him to that feeling, she knows she has to say this. She knows she has to at least try to believe it. That she is somehow strong, so Robby can be strong too. As strong and beautiful as he is in her eyes. ]
Because.. [ She slowly starts, but the girl seems to find a little bit more strength as she speaks on, not letting her gaze drop from meeting his. ] Even though it's hard, and even though it's painful, we're still going.
[ It's just an objective fact.
They haven't given up. They're still living their lives, despite everything. Still trying. ]
Because it's what they would have wanted.
[ This much she knows. She can picture it in her head. Inoue's kind smile, his arm extended to pat her on the head, how he'd tell her something like why are you crying over this old man, silly girl? He'd want her to be strong.
Even though it's hard, just like she says. She knows that the feelings she's struggling with in her heart, even at this moment, have to be reflected inside of Robby's own. It's that thought that makes her swallow to try and contain the feelings, before letting out a dry laugh that almost sounds more like a sob, speaking on with: ]
S-See, this is why it's so awful to be stuck looking like this for a while.. I really want to hug you right now, but I'm worried about accidentally poking out your eye..
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ She gets that - in theory - he doesn't mind, or he wouldn't be offering this. Heck, she'd know that even without the offer, since it's just what Robby is like. He's always entirely too nice, always entirely too willing to help her out with just about anything.
Which is why she quickly adds, speaking so fast that she nearly trips over her own words: ]
N-Not that I think you'd mind! But, it's just..
[ ... ]
I look really, really awful right now. I think it might be too much even for someone as kind as you. Even if it's not as if I'm eating people or something.. [ Apparently that joke example is just sticking around now, huh. ] .. it's still not great to be around me right now, I'm sure. That's why I thought it'd be better for me to see as few people as possible..
[ Which is why she hadn't contacted Robby at all for the past two days or so either, whereas she usually might have tried to check in on him too, especially so close to the end of the month. ]
cw: head wound mention (but only once)
That sounds lonely. [ --that's the sentiment that sticks with him louder than any visual horror, a sympathy soft from his lips.
It could be bad. It could be worse than Chizuru is capable of describing, it could be a bad idea to not trust her judgment, but. ]
I'll be round in ten minutes? [ He wants to be there. Pass over the idea of asking her for a picture and confirming the strength of his stomach, and just go for it. Because it's Chizuru, and that's all he needs as an excuse, a reason.
(He takes care of his, is what tugs at his reasoning.) ]
cw: aftereffects of forced body transformation
[ It's a soft agreement, but agreement all the same. If she asked whether he's sure, and he still agrees on coming over, then Chizuru won't bother to question again - his answer is clear.
And while she's still a little worried about his potential reaction to the way she looks right now, she knows nothing about it can be helped now. He's coming over. He's going to see it, one way or another. So Chizuru just closes the feed, and then waits.
(There's anxiety in her chest, but she tries to be strong.)
All the way until she can hear the knock on the door. She's been letting Scorpia open the door for the past two days, not wanting to expose herself to anyone and her roommate thankfully understanding her desire to hide for a while, but she knows that it's for her this time.
So Chizuru sucks in a breath, and opens the door. If it wasn't for the fact that Chizuru and Scorpia's bodies are very different, it would have been hard to realise it's even Chizuru at the door though. The girl's body is the same as ever, but her face and head are much different. Her skin a deep red, twisted, horns growing out of it, her head completely bald and with a permanent frown etched onto her features, even though the eyes - and the emotion that shows in them, shyness and worry - definitely are Chizuru's own in the middle of it all.
It's tempting to not say anything, but she doesn't want to put the burden of that on Robby, so she instead forces out a shaky: ]
H-Hi, Robby.
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All this to say, he isn't quite ready for what he does meet when he climbs the stoop before her and Scorpia's front door. Taking in a breath, preparing himself before he knocks on the door.
Some kind of Japanese horror should have been obvious, but this is a guy who hasn't even seen The Ring.
Still: it does cause him to stop. The face that meets him not quite a face at first but a boiling rage, or so is how he sees the scarlet red foremost, before his eyes can adjust. There's eyes there too, almost hidden by the thick burrowing brows (eyes that may not want to keep looking at him, with his looking at her like this), and her voice hasn't changed. Everything is still Chizuru, underneath.
His surprise relaxes as the seconds count. It's really not as bad as he thought it'd be, and he wants to convey that, somehow, but words alone don't seem to be enough. When there's this face that shames her, a body of red, when--
It's not straightforward, a horn protruding out of the front of Chizuru's cheek, but Robby manages to slip his hand along the side of her face all same; fingers laying over more of her ear and his thumb brushing against the muscle of cheek that he can get to. He smiles at her, dimples forming as it widens. ]
Hey, Chizuru. [ You look great won't work here; You look fine sounds like it's patronising her worries.
So, instead: ] I'm glad I came over.
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But then-- Robby does so anyway.
Even without Chizuru asking for it. Even with her doing absolutely nothing but trying to greet the other despite the circumstances, despite the anxiety in her gut. He's reaching out, and he's actually touching her face, the touch dulled by the way her skin is so much thicker, but she can still feel it.
And that's where it gets to be too much. Chizuru isn't that strong at all, after all. It's like something inside of her buckles at the touch, and after standing there and trying to process it for a few seconds, she moves. Her feet stepping forward, just a touch closer to the other, until she buries her face against his shoulder.. or, rather, as well as she can. The upside of Chizuru's current look is that none of the horns stick directly forward, so he shouldn't get any of the painful pointy edges shoved into him by the action, but some of the horns are still pressing their sides against him a little - it probably isn't all that comfortable, and it means there's still a slight distance between them.
But Chizuru can't think about that right now. With everything that she's been through ever since this sudden and frightening transformation, and then Robby showing up and saying he's glad he came over..
.. all she can do is start to cry, loudly sobbing against him. Unable to even get out any words, the only noises being the crying. ]
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His own heart - and mind - have been a mess of an existence, his body more hollow than real, working on automatic than anything he gives real thought for. He needs to move all the time, his brain won't let him sleep, and now he exists with the bitterness a constant in the back of his throat. Tory's visit to the clinic isn't until next month, and there's nothing good in life right now.
But there is Chizuru. There's her pressing against him, seeking comfort, and he doesn't care for the way her horns dig in close to bone; not sharply, but still thick and unyielding, and he wraps his arms around her shoulders and the back of her head, and lets her come in as close as she wants to be. ]
Hey, [ he whispers; a voice not to stop her, but to cradle her the same as his embrace, his fingers and thumb on the back of her hair stroking through it, along it. ] It's okay. You're gonna be okay.
[ He won't stop her tears. He won't tell her to stop, but might even let his head bow close to hers, giving her all the time she needs to let it out. Might even, once her sobs quiet to the trembling that one is left with after crying, quietly rock her, slowly, against him; if there's nothing she does to stop him at any point, if she lets him -- be there for her, comfort her.
Then Robby will, here on this stoop, with no intentions to interrupt until she manages to quiet down naturally. ]
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When she is, the girl sucks in a shaky breath, trying to calm herself further down - especially when she can feel that her body is trembling, and that it means he must be feeling the same thing, considering how close together they are in this moment. ]
.. I'm sorry.
[ Her voice is so soft, an incredibly quiet apology. Little more than a whisper, and she steps back slowly, like she wants to make sure to untangle this hug carefully, so he doesn't get hit by any of the horns growing out of her.
Chizuru raises a hand, trying to wipe the remainders of tears off her face, even though it only reminds her of its grotesque shape. ]
You came all the way over here to see me. I shouldn't-- [ Have cried on him? Worried him?
There are so many things she ought to apologize to Robby for, she thinks. Robby, who surely must be having a hard time of his own, and here she is, only thinking about her own problem. Selfish. ]
.. I should've greeted you with a smile. Or asked you how you are doing..
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You can still do that. [ It's spoken softly, if not as softly as Chizuru is; a smile in it - and on his face - that's reassuring and light, a peak of sunlight in an otherwise dull, grey moment.
He lifts his hands again, touches her near her elbows in a temporary gesture. ] But we can do that inside. [ And, a little firmer: ] I came here to see you, so it's okay to be however you feel right now, okay?
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[ It's a soft response, but it is a response - and one that doesn't outright reject what Robby is saying here. After all, he's expressing his feelings. If he feels that it's okay to him for her to feel the way she does right now, then she can't just question his feelings.
.. no matter how hard it is to feel like it's alright to feel bad.
Instead of dwelling on that thought, Chizuru reaches out, slowly seeking out one of Robby's hands to hold it in her own. It's a light grasp, but just strong enough to hold on to that hand even as she turns to head into the house, taking him along to the living room. Scorpia is out, so the girl figures that it's probably fine for them to sit down there together for a bit. ]
So.. [ ... ] Robby, how are you doing..?
[ The smiling part - that's still too hard for her. Even as they move into the living room, and Chizuru guides them to sit down on the couch together, the girl doesn't smile. The way her current face falls easily makes it look like she's frowning in the first place, but smiling requires a kind of energy she doesn't have within herself right now, no matter how glad she is for the other's company in this moment.
But she can at least live up to the other part of what she said she wish she had done sooner - asking that. ]
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That's her emotional support hand, that is. ]
Well... actually, I've been having a tough time, too. [ He can't be dishonest now, can he? After he called her out on it, and came all this way to see her. It's odd when he turns and sees her face, and doesn't actually see it at all; his eyes searching for what's not there, but at the same time, it's more like a mask than a different person.
If only he could peel that away from her. As it is, he doesn't drop his smile -- small, anyway, in the first place. ]
Uh, it turns out the Pthumerian I'm under is Cloverfield, which means I have to feel miserable all month. [ He huffs a sound like a short laugh, but more of a breath. ] But I've been getting some medicine that works to help me sleep. But I'm looking forward to the end of the month. Here's hoping we get something better, right?
[ He'd ask about her blood effects, but this seems miserable enough for Chizuru. Instead: ]
Do you know anything about your Pthumerian?
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It's with worry over the other. Even if Robby mentions it all so lightly, like it's no big deal, Chizuru still can't imagine it being great when you can hardly sleep all month. It instantly makes her feel a little guilty at herself, if not outright mad. How dare she bother Robby with her own problems when he's having a hard time too? Isn't she being cruel?
Even as she mentally berates herself, Chizuru doesn't let go of that hand. It is her emotional support hand in this moment, but she hopes that it can be the same for him in return, especially when her hand still thankfully looks the way it always does. This way she can give him a part of her that isn't so twisted. ]
I'm so sorry, Robby.
[ It's sympathetic, but at least soft enough that it doesn't draw attention to his own problems too dramatically. ]
It must have been difficult for you.. [ And there's never any real telling whether or not the next month will be better.
She it will be - for his sake. ]
Is.. Cloverfield such a miserable person? I have to admit that I don't know much about that one.. [ She continues, briefly shaking her head-- ] I haven't received a gift yet the way people tend to do during the month of their patron Pthumerian, so.. um, I'm not sure which one's mine.
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But that voice is still Chizuru. What she speaks, the sympathies given; they make Robby duck his head some, but he's not so embarrassed that he won't look back at her again, red face and all. ]
To be honest, I think Cloverfield is meant to be a kid? ...for a robot. [ Or, are they a robot? Robby isn't sure as he says it, brows pulled together as he even works his way through the words, looking at Chizuru as he explains: ] Someone took me to see him. He sounds lonely, so... --I don't know, I don't really get it.
[ What the connection means, or have to mean; why they exist in the first place. He got some memory-holder crystal from them, but he doesn't know how to feel, but even with the frustration that's been provided from his crying, his emotions loosening from his control -- he doesn't want to make a big deal out of them right now. Not with Chizuru, who he gives a tiny shrug to. ]
Hopefully your Pthumerian will be someone good? [ Though, more importantly-- ] Would you ever want to meet them?
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[ Though it'd probably still be kind of intimidating? Chizuru hasn't met many of the Pthumerians face to face, if any at all at this point.. but she's heard plenty of people talk about them in this place, and they always speak of those beings like they're like gods. Powerful. Chizuru isn't too sure how she'd be expected to behave around one. ]
Though it's a little scary if they can make you feel a certain way so easily. [ Like what happened to Robby. Chizuru thinks the other seems like a plenty strong person, so if he wasn't able to resist that influence even just a little bit, then there's especially no hope for a girl like her, who already gets into enough trouble on months that aren't even her own patron Pthumerian's. ] Especially if.. um, when they are bad, they could abuse that power so much, right?
[ .. that is a scary idea. And she pauses, thinks, and then gently asks: ]
Do you think Cloverfield did it on purpose? [ Making Robby feel so bad, that is.
Chizuru figures maybe not, if Cloverfield themselves is so lonely too. Maybe it just spills out, feelings left with nowhere to go instead settling into the Sleepers Cloverfield has associated themselves with. ]
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(Sure, there's apparently traits to them, but Robby's never believed in anything like that. It's who your parents are that you need to worry about -- everyone tells him he's like his dad when they want to hurt him.)
But what about the real life connections they had to deal with? ]
...I don't know. I don't think so. [ It's a slow answer, where finding his truth -- he has to search for it right there. They didn't seem the type, even if that hadn't made it any less frustrating. But Robby leans back against the back of the sofa, plays with their joined hands by just wiggling them a bit. ]
But it'd be great not to have to deal with it anyway. [ This time though, there's a smile -- a soft sigh that preludes it, and he's looking at her and her hardened face. ] Like a lot of things around here. I'm pretty cried out at this point now, but, what about you?
[ Not just tears, but: ] You got a good outlet here?
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Hmm-mm.
[ That's a 'yes', at least, and it's a sincere yes. Chizuru does feel like she got to get out a lot of the emotions that had been sitting inside of her chest, all cropped up and painful. ]
I'm sorry though, Robby. I'm always burdening you. [ Between this, and her blindness the last month.. It's like she's asking something of him every single month they're both here.
She glances at their hands, allowing Robby to swing them a little without resistance on her end. ] And yet I haven't done a thing to help you with your own problems.
[ Other than getting him into a human form and off the beach when he showed up as a squid, but-- look, Chizuru thinks that's just common decency! Something anyone would do! ]
cw: talk of death
He looks down at their held hands when he thinks about it, if she'd believe it.
He puts his other hand over hers, cupping it, sucking in a breath as he considers her feelings in this. ]
Not everyone is as nice as you. [ Not everyone would want to help like you. It's not aimed as a compliment, but as a fact, the same way he had to tell Sam after she helped to get a roof under his head. 'Anyone would.' No; not everyone. ]
...All month, I've been thinking about someone I watched die. I didn't know how to deal with it; as soon as I thought about it, I would start crying, and it just got worst the longer the month went on. [ And there's the hints of it even now, something wet growing to his dipped voice, the way he doesn't look up at Chizuru. ] I would try to sleep, but I couldn't, and then I'd think about it more, and-- I'd be up all night, thinking about everything.
[ He looks up at Chizuru now, a feigned smile across his lips with the chuckle he gives. The tears really do come easy, to a face that was dry moments ago, to what now gathers around the rings of his eyes, escaping down his cheeks. ]
I know I'm a hypocrite. I tell you all the time to let me help you, but I-- I didn't want to say anything. When I think about it now, I--
[ I know it's my fault. But he can't visit the words that rush out, pushed with the rising upset in his chest. Robby swallows, breathes in against a chest that doesn't want the oxygen, and slowly exhales. Looking at his hands holding onto Chizuru's. The skin is thick red, not soft, but his thumbs rub along the side of it. Even if he's not looking at her, the tears are more evident. ]
If I'm with you, I don't have to think about it. We can be us, and we can ignore what's happening. Because we have to wait until it's over, right? But we have fun when we're together.
[ It's true, isn't it? Even if his logic isn't very sound, because how can the trauma of watching someone lose their life be over at the end of a month? But that, Robby doesn't want to think about; but he can be honest and admit, because maybe Chizuru deserves it: ]
I don't know how to ask for help, but you help me by being here.
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It's not horrifying to Chizuru in the way it might be to most people who lead a normal life - in the sense that it's new, and terrifying. The girl has already seen so many people die right in front of her back home. Heck, she's probably seen that happen more often there than she has in this place, even with all the danger around Trench.
But that doesn't mean she doesn't know how heart-wrenching it can be. Especially for someone like Robby, she thinks, who is so kind. So soft, despite all his muscle and jokes. It's not a surprise to her that he cried about it, and there's no way she'd think less of him for it.
Or for crying right now, Chizuru silent as she stares at him. Maybe she should feel lucky that she already cried herself dry a moment ago, since it makes it feel a little harder for tears to break through now. It means she can focus on Robby himself in this moment, rather than get lost in tears due to the sympathy she feels for his plight. ]
You don't have to ask for help.
[ Her voice is soft as she speaks up, a tiny pause between him finishing saying all of that, and her slowly starting to speak. It sounds like Chizuru is choosing her words carefully here, but not in a bad way. They're still soft, and genuine, which probably means she just wants to make sure to properly express herself here, especially in the face of Robby admitting this much. ]
If you're ever feeling that bad, then.. you can just reach me, and ask me if I have a moment to talk. It doesn't even have to be about what you're feeling-- anything is fine. Even if it's really late at night, my Omen can wake me up.
[ And it's not like Chizuru - who has spent so much time in a tense town on the verge of war - is foreign to the concept of waking up in the middle of the night. She's used to it by now, being able to snap awake way too easily. ]
I mean.. um, I get it, a little bit. Right before I ended up here, I actually watched more than one person die as well. For my sake. [ That last part is what made it hard for her. Even though Chizuru is able to push through watching people die, no matter how much her heart hurts, it's that last part that trips her up. ] And I also felt that it was easier to just.. not talk about it. Not wanting to say anything, because.. um, who would understand anyway, or maybe it's too personal of a problem, or maybe I should just be dealing with it..
[ Her voice trails off, and then she shakes her head, looking back at Robby and squeezing the other's hands as well as she can with her own being cupped like this. ]
E-Either way, what I mean to say is-- I get it if there are things that are too hard to talk about. And that's fine, we don't have to! I just..
[ Her voice trails off. ]
I don't want you to be alone during the moments where it's hard, you know..? It's okay to rely on me a little at those times. That's what we're friends for.
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But because they're both similar, in places. It's too personal a problem, who would understand anyway.
So, it's funny in a sad way. But she lets there be spaces where her kindness can seep in, or he makes the room for it: by speaking about it, and Chizuru proving it right after, the things about her that he enjoys. The way she makes this place brighter for him, just by being herself.
He looks down, not really trying to hide his face; but just to give himself a moment before he looks back at her - realising his hold on her hand as it is to le her do more with her fingers when he feels her moving it, a small side-ways smile pinching to one side of his mouth. ]
Would you believe me if I told you I'm getting used to having people I can talk to? [ He sniffs, uses the back of his sleeve to wipe at his eyes. ] Did you know the person? Who died.
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(But she wants him to be used to it. She wants to be able to lighten Robby's heart, even if it's just a little bit.. because isn't that what friends do?)
And friends.. they're also honest, even when they talk about painful stuff. Chizuru hasn't told anyone about the basically traumatic incident that happened right before she washed up on the shore here, and somehow it feels harder to start about it after all this time. ]
Yes.
[ Maybe if she's honest, then Robby can be honest too. Then he can see that it's okay to talk about all of this, no matter the obstacles in your way. ]
He was one of the captains of the group I was staying with. Some of the captains were.. pretty hostile to me, especially early on, because of-- um, a lot of complicated circumstances. [ She shakes her strangely grotesque red head, momentarily forgotten in the middle of the thoughts about the story she's recalling. ] But Inoue-san.. he was always kind to me. He was one of the oldest captains, so maybe that had something to do with it.
[ Something about being wiser, more experienced. More willing to give others a chance. ]
.. and the dumb thing is-- I thought he was just.. like that to everyone, you know? [ She looks down, unable to continue holding Robby's gaze. At least it doesn't seem like she's about to cry again, but her voice is a little unsteady. ] But then we got into really big trouble together, and I told him to run and leave me behind, and then Inoue-san-- he said--
[ She swallows. It's clearly a painful memory to recall, especially for the first time in months and months, but she wants to push herself for Robby's sake as well. ]
He said.. 'what parent wouldn't lay down their life to protect their child?' I had no idea he even felt that way, and then he just-- he died. To protect me.
[ Before Chizuru had even been able to tell him that it wasn't as natural as Inoue made it out to be, that her own father seemed so much more eager to sacrifice her life than his own. And yet there had been a man with not even a blood relationship to her, someone she thought was just kind to her because he was kind to all people as young as her, and yet he went that far for her. ]
I never even got to tell him anything in return..
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It threatens to choke him, the way her own emotions well, as if misery needs even extra company than just another body present. Robby breathes as he hears it, the kind of relationship they had (the one that the man gave her, someone watching over her, someone who could feel so strongly for them, even when they have no reason to), and bows his head. The last of her words strike the hardest, and it's like he's there again on his knees, unable to watch as the man took his last breath.
He really could choke. But Robby's careful, pushing down on the upset, his sigh audible before he speaks. ]
I didn't say anything, either. [ He felt so weak. But he doesn't want to linger on just that, brushing aside everything spoken before the end; though he struggles to find the words, not wanting to talk about how the man must've felt, or even platitudes about cherishing his memory. Rather... ]
Sometimes, you get to meet someone, and you never realised you could be lucky to meet someone like them. [ But did Chizuru realise? Did it feel that way? Robby looks at her, asking gently: ]
How did you feel about him then? ...After?
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[ It's a soft admission, but also one that sounds a little guilty. Because it feels like she should have thought of him more, especially when he gave his entire life for her without even seemingly having had to think about it in this moment.
She could lie and look better, but she doesn't want to. Not in front of Robby, of all people. Not when they've been honest to each other so far. ]
I've tried to not think about it. It hurts too much. [ Even though it's months and months later now with how long she's been in Trench already, thinking back on it still hurts.
She can't imagine how much harder than even this that more recent pain must be for Robby.
Chizuru breathes in, and looks up at him, glad that the way her face is right now masks most of her emotions much more than they would usually show. She isn't sure if Robby shares this sentiment too, since it's entirely possible that he feels different about going through such a similar ordeal, but-- ]
If I think about it too hard.. I feel guilty just for living.
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[ Robby understands it. It's not a singular 'You' that he speaks with; his voice too soft to be misinterpreted as anything than coming from somewhere deeper in him. He can't pretend to know her true pain - of losing someone who saw you like family, a special connection only realised at the very end - but he doesn't need to, he thinks. That's her pain, and they don't need to understand every instant of each other's to see the similarities of their paths.
Or just to feel each other. He hopes that's the case, relies on it being so, letting the seconds give them pause for their hearts to breathe. Before he figures -- this is where he goes next. Without it being a real question to himself, but an acknowledgement that comes naturally with his gaze lowering. ]
I, uh... I got sent to the place-- the other city. Where all the religious people were, grabbing people and trying to get them on their side. But the ones we were with... if they didn't think you were with them, they-- killed you. That was it. And every night, someone died, someone else selling them out.
[ It had only been two nights, but both had been the same. We have been informed, echoing in that small chapel, the smell of blood that further soaked the furniture already stained. He couldn't stay there and watch. He didn't want to stay there and watch. ]
I recognised someone from the beach-- one of the fishermen. He had a bad leg, walked with a limp, but I-- I told him we should try and join the ones who patrol. Get some weapons and get out of there. I had to convince him.
[ He convinced him. He could almost laugh, but he doesn't make more than a breathy sound, damp around the edges. Quiet, before he shrugs with one shoulder. ]
And um, well... someone heard us. He went to get someone else, but they knew-- they grabbed me too.
[ He sniffs, wipes at his nose, and then the back of his eyes. Sucks in the air deep into his lungs, holding it before releasing as a shaky breath. He doesn't speak, not right away, the words hard to get out over his closing throat. ]
--if I'd been better, they'd be here.
[ And it struggles to get out even that, his eyes lifting onto Chizuru, the smile he tugs on his face as a tear drops down his cheek. ]
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Usually Chizuru's words, the reassurances.. they would spill out so easily, especially in the face of such pain. Chizuru has never been able to stare at anyone who cries and not immediately want to soothe all of their worries, to excuse them of anything.
But it's a little harder here. Not because she thinks Robby did anything wrong in that situation, but just.. because the sentiment is so terribly familiar. Chizuru didn't get stuck in that other world, thankfully, but she heard about it even before now. How brutal it was, how scary it was.. And it definitely seems like Robby had to deal with the worst of it, similar to the crappy situations back in Chizuru's own wartorn world.
And this is how it always ends, right? Seeing people get hurt, being unable to help them, and telling yourself over and over and over-- if I had done something else, they might have lived.
If only I hadn't existed-- ]
It's okay..
[ Her voice is so soft, barely audible. She does look directly at Robby as she speaks though, his own teary eyes mirrored by how watery her own become as she looks at him, but the girl doesn't avert her gaze. ]
I get it. [ She can't say anything else without lying to herself, right? It's not his fault - sure, she thinks that, but at the same time she has a terribly hard time not blaming herself for Inoue's fate either. It's not as easy as hearing yourself being absolved by someone else and just instantly believing it.
So maybe this is all she can say. Holding his hands just the tiniest bit tighter, squeezing them, just to convey her sincerity in saying: ]
It's so heavy, isn't it..? I feel it too, Robby.. You're being so strong for enduring it.
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It doesn't feel like anything else than being alive, having no other choice than to exist. This happened, and you can't change that fact -- you can only continue to be, or not. Robby's sure that someone with soothing words would have plenty more to give on how surviving after someone didn't can make you stronger, but he isn't sure he could believe it.
But he doesn't want to dismiss Chizuru, either. Instead, he'd like to wonder: does she feel strong? When she talks about herself as anything but. He looks at their hands with that thought, sniffs a little (quietly), then looks her back in the eyes. ]
You know that if I am, then you have to be too, right? [ Lightly, he points it out like a joke. But there's the edges of making her accept what she's brought forward here. Even if he still wants to say, 'I just feel like someone who got lucky,' he keeps it back, down in his throat, breathing deeply to keep his tears from flowing more than they have.
If she accepts it, then Robby can too. ]
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[ With how close they are right now, and with everything they've already shared, it's probably easy for Robby to recognize that Chizuru is struggling a little with saying that. But despite the struggle, she is saying it. She does manage to force the words out of her mouth, despite both of them being stuck with the exact same feeling. Someone who got lucky, someone who isn't necessarily strong-- just someone who happened to make it to the other side when someone else didn't.
But when Chizuru can't abandon him to that feeling, she knows she has to say this. She knows she has to at least try to believe it. That she is somehow strong, so Robby can be strong too. As strong and beautiful as he is in her eyes. ]
Because.. [ She slowly starts, but the girl seems to find a little bit more strength as she speaks on, not letting her gaze drop from meeting his. ] Even though it's hard, and even though it's painful, we're still going.
[ It's just an objective fact.
They haven't given up. They're still living their lives, despite everything. Still trying. ]
Because it's what they would have wanted.
[ This much she knows. She can picture it in her head. Inoue's kind smile, his arm extended to pat her on the head, how he'd tell her something like why are you crying over this old man, silly girl? He'd want her to be strong.
Even though it's hard, just like she says. She knows that the feelings she's struggling with in her heart, even at this moment, have to be reflected inside of Robby's own. It's that thought that makes her swallow to try and contain the feelings, before letting out a dry laugh that almost sounds more like a sob, speaking on with: ]
S-See, this is why it's so awful to be stuck looking like this for a while.. I really want to hug you right now, but I'm worried about accidentally poking out your eye..
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oh no...is it a wrap...!?