And as much as she wants to dodge talking about her feelings entirely, she knows that it wouldn't be fair, just like Neo is pointing out to her right now. If she wants to worry about the other, then Chizuru also has to let people worry about her - no matter how hard that might be.
Still.. it's not easy. It's why her replies are definitely arriving more slowly than they usually would. ]
i am not sure what to say about it at all it just happened and it was hard but i survived thanks to your help or rather i got out of there thanks to you else they might have kept me there by myself forever i guess it is that thought that is the scariest of all
If those bastards ever try that. I'll break in there and stab every last fucking one of them. I'll get Scorpia and Maul and we'll have ourselves a little bloodbath. I'm not letting that shit happen to you again if I can help it.
Just thinking of you in there. That long? It makes my blood boil.
[In part? That went for anyone. Neo was a cold-blooded killer when it came down to it, but she didn't go in for extended, gratuitous torture in the same way that she didn't go in for killing family members to make people suffer. There was no point. If they needed to die, kill them. The Zealots were just ghoulish overkill. It reminded her of Salem.]
But, uh. I'm kind of talking about more than just that time. I can come over and we can just try to get this off your mind. It's just I'm not used to people who aren't Ruby worrying about me.
[ The first part of what Neopolitan says is definitely overwhelming. It's not even like it's entirely foreign to Chizuru, considering she has known people who definitely were that murderously overprotective, and she knows that Neo wasn't exactly a great morally good person back home.. but knowing both of those things and suddenly seeing them in action aimed towards her is a lot. ]
of course i am going to worry about you you are my friend i do not want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me in order to be my friend
[ Let alone a hurt appearance, of all things. Her heart still feels so heavy when she thinks back on what Neo suddenly looked like, and the realisation that had actually been there already all this time, every time they talked.. ]
and i also do not want you to have to feel like you have to be that violent for my sake even though it is very kind of you to care about me that much
[Oh yeah, that was definitely going to be a topic, since Neopolitan did have quite the violent streak deep down...]
On the one hand, I don't think I need to hide it from you. It's partially because I'm hiding it from all of the enemies out there out to get us. If they think I never really get hurt, then they start thinking I'm unbeatable, right? But I do it so naturally that I barely notice I'm covered in an illusion all the time. So, I'm sorry about that.
But, you realize I'm a killer, right? I fight and kill monsters and beasts that are out to kill us. So, I'm going to be kind of protective of my friends.
[Do not mention horns. Do not mention horns. Do not mention horns...]
[ Chizuru wants to write. She has so many things she could say to that first part, first and foremost telling the other that there's no reason for Neo to apologize to her, that it's all fine.
But it's the second part her mind gets stuck on. She reads it. First once, then twice, then a few more times.
Her fingers linger, dragging, thinking.
Then she only sends back a single sentence. ]
do you think the people who did that to me were monsters or beasts
She didn't know any of the context of that statement, or what was going through her friend's head. She knew only that this was the only thing she commented on, and it made her think of the horns, the white hair.]
I think, if I'm being brutally honest? I don't think the word means here what it means in my world, so what I'd call them is wrong. they're "Beasts." People corrupted by blood and beyond help.
[ That's probably obvious at this point, isn't it. Chizuru isn't too sure how her friend found out - maybe she just put the pieces together back there at the sleeper farm, since Chizuru was not dying of something that very much would have killed a human. It's not like she knows about the hair changing and the horns coming out, since she had conked out for a bit at that point, but she does suppose the healing might have been enough of a clue.
It always was enough of a clue for the people back home, after all. ]
that is why you are writing that last part is it not because you know i am not human
I saw something when you weren't conscious. It's not like I worry about that sort of thing, because a lot of us aren't. But I just wanted to be clear that I don't think of you that way.
You don't have to talk about that unless you want to. You've always kept this kind of thing very private.
[ 'I don't mind sharing it with you,' she means to say, even if she doesn't write those words that explicitly. But it's true that she had very good reasons to keep all of this to herself back home, and those reasons were strong enough that it feels a little hard to talk about so openly, even in a place like this.
A place where - as Neo rightfully points out - many people are not human. ]
back home people would kill me if they knew people often think differently of me once they find out it is why i have a hard time telling even the people i am close to here about it i do not wish to lose their friendship even if it means being deceitful i understand this is not a good thing to do
[ But it's better than being all alone.
Nothing is more terrifying to Chizuru than that, even if it would mean lying about what she is for all her life. ]
I know all about those. You won't hear me criticizing you for a few secrets like that. It isn't a bad habit to have.
[She definitely 'got it.' It wasn't like being a Faunus, which was the closest analogue, but she got the sense that concealing her identity being needed for survival was exactly why her friend couldn't tell others, and even here...]
Aside from being a little amazed at your regeneration? I don't think of you any differently, though I'm more than a little curious what I saw. You being a little bit sneaky about this doesn't bother me, but what are you able to say? I saw you with white hair and horns.
It was pretty, but I want to make sure it's not a corruption/beast thing. For your sake. Is this normal for you?
[ Chizuru's answers arrive a little more slowly now, even each line separately. It's like she really has to think here before she writes anything and sends it, really has to pick her words. Even though Neo doesn't seem to mind what Chizuru is, it's still hard to talk about.
Even as she tries. ]
it depends on your definition of normal it is not usual for me but it can happen yes in my natural form or i suppose what is meant to be my natural form i have white hair golden eyes and horns i guess it must have come out since i was pushing my ability to heal a little too far by trying to make it happen so quickly
that is what all demons look like in their natural form where i come from
Yeah, I kind of figured it wasn't every day. You obviously keep that side of you hidden most of the time, but that makes sense. So, then, you're a demon?
May I ask what it means, because I honestly have no clue what a demon really is.
[ Especially since the lack of knowledge about what demons are definitely isn't strange to Chizuru. If anything, she was totally unaware demons existed at all until about a year before she showed up in Trench or so.. despite being one. ]
i suppose the best way to describe it would be to say it is a different race of people they live longer than humans and have different physical abilities than humans demons can look like humans but they are not humans i imagine most of us look human by now to try and blend in because humans really do not like demons most of them have been killed off by humans so there are only a few of us left
[ So.. a lot like the Faunus, in many ways. Just less furry, and their current status is a little bit more extreme. ]
So, you're basically tougher and hardier than humans. And you can shapeshift to look like them, but really that's about all there is? And people never like things and other people who are different. So, that's all painfully normal unfortunately.
So. I have a little deal. I don't usually show my 'real' face, but I will around you sometimes. As long as you feel ok showing me yours in private.
That's difficult, though perhaps not for the reasons Neo might be thinking at all. ]
i do not mind that but
[ The text lingers on that 'but' for a while before Chizuru manages to find the right words to type on. ]
i think our cases may be slightly different i am used to this form or looking this way whichever way you want to put it as far as i know i have never in my life walked around looking that other way so it would actually feel kind of strange to me you know ? as far as i am concerned the way i look right now is who i am i even have a hard time consciously making myself look different from this
[because that was a helpful opening for her. She'd wanted her friend to understand a little better... well...]
Just so you know I'm a teensy bit the same way. The way you see me? It developed over time, but I've looked this way for so long? This sort of 'picture perfect' self image is just how I'm used to appearing to most. So, for it to turn off my aura has to deplete or I have to intentionally turn it off. I think it might still be a lot easier for me than you, though.
So why don't we go with "We can always be ourselves around each other?" And not actually expect it to happen?
[ Chizuru does have to consdier all of this for a moment. Not because she's about to shoot down her friend's idea or anything, but.. it's just a little strange to think about. Sure, she can see some parallels between her situation and Neo's, but on the other hand, she can also see where it feels entirely different.
Still.. ]
would that make you feel comfortable ?
[ Chizuru can't help but ask it. That's the most important thing to her, after all. Her friend's comfort. ]
I think I'd like to do whatever makes us both most comfortable. But maybe just maybe we can try it out sometime, where we can be our "True selves." You know, so we can take a moment to accept that part of each other?
[Either way, she'd probably try to remember not to be under disguise a little bit more often, for no other reason than it would get her to worry less.]
[ Granted, this is Chizuru. Considering how agreeable she is, she probably would have agreed no matter what Neopolitan was proposing here - especially since she's such a close and important friend. ]
i am not sure i can fully make myself look like that on command yet but i could try sometime when we are together
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And as much as she wants to dodge talking about her feelings entirely, she knows that it wouldn't be fair, just like Neo is pointing out to her right now. If she wants to worry about the other, then Chizuru also has to let people worry about her - no matter how hard that might be.
Still.. it's not easy. It's why her replies are definitely arriving more slowly than they usually would. ]
i am not sure what to say about it at all
it just happened
and it was hard
but i survived thanks to your help
or rather i got out of there thanks to you
else they might have kept me there by myself forever
i guess it is that thought that is the scariest of all
no subject
I'll break in there and stab every last fucking one of them.
I'll get Scorpia and Maul and we'll have ourselves a little bloodbath.
I'm not letting that shit happen to you again if I can help it.
Just thinking of you in there. That long?
It makes my blood boil.
[In part? That went for anyone. Neo was a cold-blooded killer when it came down to it, but she didn't go in for extended, gratuitous torture in the same way that she didn't go in for killing family members to make people suffer. There was no point. If they needed to die, kill them. The Zealots were just ghoulish overkill. It reminded her of Salem.]
But, uh.
I'm kind of talking about more than just that time.
I can come over and we can just try to get this off your mind.
It's just I'm not used to people who aren't Ruby worrying about me.
no subject
of course i am going to worry about you
you are my friend
i do not want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me in order to be my friend
[ Let alone a hurt appearance, of all things. Her heart still feels so heavy when she thinks back on what Neo suddenly looked like, and the realisation that had actually been there already all this time, every time they talked.. ]
and i also do not want you to have to feel like you have to be that violent for my sake
even though it is very kind of you to care about me that much
no subject
On the one hand, I don't think I need to hide it from you.
It's partially because I'm hiding it from all of the enemies out there out to get us.
If they think I never really get hurt, then they start thinking I'm unbeatable, right?
But I do it so naturally that I barely notice I'm covered in an illusion all the time.
So, I'm sorry about that.
But, you realize I'm a killer, right?
I fight and kill monsters and beasts that are out to kill us.
So, I'm going to be kind of protective of my friends.
[Do not mention horns. Do not mention horns. Do not mention horns...]
no subject
But it's the second part her mind gets stuck on. She reads it. First once, then twice, then a few more times.
Her fingers linger, dragging, thinking.
Then she only sends back a single sentence. ]
do you think the people who did that to me were monsters or beasts
no subject
She didn't know any of the context of that statement, or what was going through her friend's head. She knew only that this was the only thing she commented on, and it made her think of the horns, the white hair.]
I think, if I'm being brutally honest?
I don't think the word means here what it means in my world, so what I'd call them is wrong.
they're "Beasts." People corrupted by blood and beyond help.
But since we're talking...
[... breathe.]
You are not a monster. Not to me.
no subject
i am not human
[ That's probably obvious at this point, isn't it. Chizuru isn't too sure how her friend found out - maybe she just put the pieces together back there at the sleeper farm, since Chizuru was not dying of something that very much would have killed a human. It's not like she knows about the hair changing and the horns coming out, since she had conked out for a bit at that point, but she does suppose the healing might have been enough of a clue.
It always was enough of a clue for the people back home, after all. ]
that is why you are writing that last part is it not
because you know i am not human
no subject
It's not like I worry about that sort of thing, because a lot of us aren't.
But I just wanted to be clear that I don't think of you that way.
You don't have to talk about that unless you want to.
You've always kept this kind of thing very private.
no subject
keeping it secret i mean
[ 'I don't mind sharing it with you,' she means to say, even if she doesn't write those words that explicitly. But it's true that she had very good reasons to keep all of this to herself back home, and those reasons were strong enough that it feels a little hard to talk about so openly, even in a place like this.
A place where - as Neo rightfully points out - many people are not human. ]
back home people would kill me if they knew
people often think differently of me once they find out
it is why i have a hard time telling even the people i am close to here about it
i do not wish to lose their friendship
even if it means being deceitful
i understand this is not a good thing to do
[ But it's better than being all alone.
Nothing is more terrifying to Chizuru than that, even if it would mean lying about what she is for all her life. ]
no subject
You won't hear me criticizing you for a few secrets like that.
It isn't a bad habit to have.
[She definitely 'got it.' It wasn't like being a Faunus, which was the closest analogue, but she got the sense that concealing her identity being needed for survival was exactly why her friend couldn't tell others, and even here...]
Aside from being a little amazed at your regeneration?
I don't think of you any differently, though I'm more than a little curious what I saw.
You being a little bit sneaky about this doesn't bother me, but what are you able to say?
I saw you with white hair and horns.
It was pretty, but I want to make sure it's not a corruption/beast thing.
For your sake. Is this normal for you?
no subject
Even as she tries. ]
it depends on your definition of normal
it is not usual for me
but it can happen yes
in my natural form or i suppose what is meant to be my natural form i have white hair golden eyes and horns
i guess it must have come out since i was pushing my ability to heal a little too far by trying to make it happen so quickly
that is what all demons look like in their natural form where i come from
no subject
You obviously keep that side of you hidden most of the time, but that makes sense.
So, then, you're a demon?
May I ask what it means, because I honestly have no clue what a demon really is.
no subject
[ Especially since the lack of knowledge about what demons are definitely isn't strange to Chizuru. If anything, she was totally unaware demons existed at all until about a year before she showed up in Trench or so.. despite being one. ]
i suppose the best way to describe it would be to say it is a different race of people
they live longer than humans and have different physical abilities than humans
demons can look like humans but they are not humans
i imagine most of us look human by now to try and blend in because humans really do not like demons
most of them have been killed off by humans so there are only a few of us left
[ So.. a lot like the Faunus, in many ways. Just less furry, and their current status is a little bit more extreme. ]
no subject
And you can shapeshift to look like them, but really that's about all there is?
And people never like things and other people who are different.
So, that's all painfully normal unfortunately.
So. I have a little deal.
I don't usually show my 'real' face, but I will around you sometimes.
As long as you feel ok showing me yours in private.
no subject
That's difficult, though perhaps not for the reasons Neo might be thinking at all. ]
i do not mind that
but
[ The text lingers on that 'but' for a while before Chizuru manages to find the right words to type on. ]
i think our cases may be slightly different
i am used to this form
or looking this way
whichever way you want to put it
as far as i know i have never in my life walked around looking that other way
so it would actually feel kind of strange to me you know
?
as far as i am concerned
the way i look right now is who i am
i even have a hard time consciously making myself look different from this
no subject
[because that was a helpful opening for her. She'd wanted her friend to understand a little better... well...]
Just so you know I'm a teensy bit the same way.
The way you see me? It developed over time, but I've looked this way for so long?
This sort of 'picture perfect' self image is just how I'm used to appearing to most.
So, for it to turn off my aura has to deplete or I have to intentionally turn it off.
I think it might still be a lot easier for me than you, though.
So why don't we go with "We can always be ourselves around each other?"
And not actually expect it to happen?
no subject
Still.. ]
would that make you feel comfortable
?
[ Chizuru can't help but ask it. That's the most important thing to her, after all. Her friend's comfort. ]
no subject
But maybe just maybe we can try it out sometime, where we can be our "True selves."
You know, so we can take a moment to accept that part of each other?
[Either way, she'd probably try to remember not to be under disguise a little bit more often, for no other reason than it would get her to worry less.]
no subject
[ Granted, this is Chizuru. Considering how agreeable she is, she probably would have agreed no matter what Neopolitan was proposing here - especially since she's such a close and important friend. ]
i am not sure i can fully make myself look like that on command yet
but i could try sometime when we are together
no subject
I probably have an easier time than you do, even if it's not easy for either of us.
Still, I appreciate that you're trying.
[Honestly? It was good for her that someone was trying to get her to live outside of her illusions...]