How do you feel about it now? I mean, do you still have feelings for her that way? Do you want to patch things up?
[Neo looked uncomfortable as she typed, not quite making eye contact. she got it all back together for her usual slightly cheery self, but there was obviously a little more going on in her face. She looked a little concerned, maybe?
Of course, internally, there was a bit of a roil. She was pretty sure as soon as Chizuru said what she did that now wasn't the time to go telling her things herself, but she also knew that if she didn't it would be very easy to just have those thoughts lost in the mix. But what did she want?
...
She wanted Chizuru happy. Yeah, that was most happy. she would have liked all three of them to be happy, but if push came to shove, she wanted Chizuru happy. She was accustomed to waiting.]
A moment later she glances over at Neopolitan and realises the other isn't directly looking at her, so she realises she might have to add a verbal version of that answer too, just to make sure the other can hear - even if Chizuru doesn't really want to say the words out loud. It feels too cruel, even if it's the truth. ]
No.
[ The word is soft, the guilt audible in it. ]
I, um..
[ Her voice trails off, and Chizuru takes in a deep breath that doesn't seem to help her nerves at all, her cheer from earlier now gone. The girl's hands move up, idly playing with her bangs. ]
.. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm really stupid for what I'm about to say..
You're not stupid, Chizuru. You're allowed to have whatever feelings right now that you have.
[She did manage to meet her gaze this time, right before pushing the omni a little to the side and shifting in her seat to look directly at her friend, offering her as reassuring a smile as she could manage. She did 'catch' that she'd soured the mood a little, but maybe that was going to be a given. The whole thing with Jinx had clearly not gone ... great.
Jinx's issues were her issues. Neo knew that.
She reached out a hand and rested it on the one of her friend's that wasn't up, fiddling with her hair, attempting to give it a little squeeze.]
[ Chizuru lets out a tiny sigh, and then moves to chew on her lower lip. It's clear that whatever she's thinking about, it really isn't easy for her to voice, not even with Neopolitan's kind support.
But she's trying. She doesn't want to hold it in when a friend is basically asking her to talk about it, so Chizuru tries pushing herself. Just-- talk. Just say it, even if it makes you feel bad. ]
I.. wonder if I could ever love anyone at all. [ There's a faint ashamed blush on her cheeks, and she shakes her head before quickly pulling her hand away from her friend's. ] I think I-- I'll have to change a lot about me before I could ever be in a relationship with anyone again.
[Oh! Oh... Actually... That... no that tracked. Part of her worried that some of this was her self esteem issues, but at the same time? She could believe it if she really wouldn't fall in love until... well... she just fell in love. And she definitely could see how her friend would want some time at the minimum.
Patting her hand, she only had the slip of her smile for a split second before it broadened back and she gave a firm nod. She wasn't about to call her stupid for this, and honestly? Maybe ...
Maybe she needed time too.]
You aren't stupid and that makes complete sense. And if you have to change a lot about yourself for someone, maybe take a step back. They should be able to love you for who you are then.
You should take all the time you need. And if you never do, that's ok too, actually. Some people aren't built that way and that's fine.
[Look, she might not actually have the word 'ace' in her vocabulary, but she could appreciate that a person like that might exist.]
[ At least Neo's answer is sweet. Not that Chizuru really expected any different from her friend, really. For all of Neopolitan's talk of the bad stuff she's done, Chizuru has never experienced her to be anything but sweet to her, especially at vulnerable moments like these.
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
[Oh, hmmmm... no. No she didn't think that was it. But, she did think that maybe Chizuru was in the right ballpark. Either way, she wasn't lacking in the "Good enough to date" category in her mind. How to put this? She was obviously thinking about it for a moment before nodding.]
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better? So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship? So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date. Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
[her lips thinned and she considered that for a moment. Jinx saying that wasn't ... no, it wasn't wrong. In a healthy relationship they should have been able to find happiness together for each other. They didn't always have to be 'in love' or anything really intense or super happy, but they should be able to find happiness. But...]
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy. At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think. It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself. Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content. Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content. right?
[ There's a slight nod on Chizuru's end, though it still seems like the girl is very much sunken in thought. ]
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
[Hmmm, well. She'd been the one to open this can of worms. today'd ended up a bit more weighty a talk, but at the same time? It probably needed to be. She had to think about this, because it was... honestly a very hard question for her. She'd never really been content except when Emerald had been in the dream and when Roman had been alive.
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you. I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really. We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you. And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want. And even when you're ready to ask for more.
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no subject
How do you feel about it now?
I mean, do you still have feelings for her that way?
Do you want to patch things up?
[Neo looked uncomfortable as she typed, not quite making eye contact. she got it all back together for her usual slightly cheery self, but there was obviously a little more going on in her face. She looked a little concerned, maybe?
Of course, internally, there was a bit of a roil. She was pretty sure as soon as Chizuru said what she did that now wasn't the time to go telling her things herself, but she also knew that if she didn't it would be very easy to just have those thoughts lost in the mix. But what did she want?
...
She wanted Chizuru happy. Yeah, that was most happy. she would have liked all three of them to be happy, but if push came to shove, she wanted Chizuru happy. She was accustomed to waiting.]
no subject
A moment later she glances over at Neopolitan and realises the other isn't directly looking at her, so she realises she might have to add a verbal version of that answer too, just to make sure the other can hear - even if Chizuru doesn't really want to say the words out loud. It feels too cruel, even if it's the truth. ]
No.
[ The word is soft, the guilt audible in it. ]
I, um..
[ Her voice trails off, and Chizuru takes in a deep breath that doesn't seem to help her nerves at all, her cheer from earlier now gone. The girl's hands move up, idly playing with her bangs. ]
.. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm really stupid for what I'm about to say..
no subject
You're allowed to have whatever feelings right now that you have.
[She did manage to meet her gaze this time, right before pushing the omni a little to the side and shifting in her seat to look directly at her friend, offering her as reassuring a smile as she could manage. She did 'catch' that she'd soured the mood a little, but maybe that was going to be a given. The whole thing with Jinx had clearly not gone ... great.
Jinx's issues were her issues. Neo knew that.
She reached out a hand and rested it on the one of her friend's that wasn't up, fiddling with her hair, attempting to give it a little squeeze.]
no subject
But she's trying. She doesn't want to hold it in when a friend is basically asking her to talk about it, so Chizuru tries pushing herself. Just-- talk. Just say it, even if it makes you feel bad. ]
I.. wonder if I could ever love anyone at all. [ There's a faint ashamed blush on her cheeks, and she shakes her head before quickly pulling her hand away from her friend's. ] I think I-- I'll have to change a lot about me before I could ever be in a relationship with anyone again.
no subject
Patting her hand, she only had the slip of her smile for a split second before it broadened back and she gave a firm nod. She wasn't about to call her stupid for this, and honestly? Maybe ...
Maybe she needed time too.]
You aren't stupid and that makes complete sense.
And if you have to change a lot about yourself for someone, maybe take a step back.
They should be able to love you for who you are then.
You should take all the time you need.
And if you never do, that's ok too, actually.
Some people aren't built that way and that's fine.
[Look, she might not actually have the word 'ace' in her vocabulary, but she could appreciate that a person like that might exist.]
no subject
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
no subject
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better?
So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship?
So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date.
Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
no subject
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
no subject
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy.
At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think.
It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself.
Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content.
Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content.
right?
no subject
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
But is that not enough..?
no subject
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you.
I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really.
We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you.
And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want.
And even when you're ready to ask for more.
This should be on your time. Not ours.