[ .. Chizuru does wonder for a moment if something is up when she receives this message - because things often are up when you get a message in this sort of place.
But.. no. As she reads it, the girl realises it's a pretty normal message. This is just how friends ask each other to hang out, right? She may not have known as much back home, but she's learned it here in Trench. ]
Everything's totally fine and dandy. Not a problem at all going on, other than just the usual nonsense. I was just thinking of getting together and hanging out.
[Totally normal. This was totally normal. Everything was on the up and up and she was not being weird at all. Yep.
...
Brothers, she was glad this was Chizuru. She probably had no idea that she was behaving a little oddly.]
[ See, Neo, there you go. A perfectly oblivious Chizuru to any awkwardness that many be going on on Neopolitan's end of this entire thing. She just assumes everything is fine if the other is saying so. ]
i will see you there
[ And Chizuru means it. She will be there. In fact, when Neo arrives, she'll probably spot Chizuru already standing there - like the girl just couldn't resist being a little early, just to make sure she wouldn't inconvenience Neo by making her have to wait. ]
[She was only a little ways behind Chizuru, both of them clearly wanting to be there a little early. She was dressed more simply than usual, and if Chizuru looked carefully she could see a couple blemishes in the skin, the occasional small and familiar scar barely hidden by fabric. Neo had opted to make pointedly sure her illusions weren't up.
She waved over at Chizuru and grinned, resting her umbrella on her shoulder as she held the door open for her friend, typing after a second.]
[ Somehow that reaction comes more instinctively to her right now than anything else. It's a little strange, if she'd stop to think about it - the way seeing Neopolitan without her illusion up has slowly become almost normal to Chizuru, even though she had known the other for so long before ever first seeing it.
Which is why she just greets her like she'd normally would, moving into the establishment while Neopolitan holds open the door, but turning back to look at the other once she's inside. ]
You look really nice today. [ At least with Chizuru being the way she is, it's very clear it's just a straightforward compliment rather than anything flirty, even with the hint of admiration in her eyes. ]
[She grinned over at her when she was complemented, preening visibly. For just a moment, she thought about where to go before gesturing to the steps up to the upper levels. It was fun to be here in the rowdy ground floor, but maybe a little time somewhere more quiet would be nice. Maybe the third floor? It was comfy... yeah, she was thinking they could get some drinks and go up to the casual space there and...
Oh wait, hadn't she just said something to her?]
You look great too. Did you do something with your hair?
Ah.. [ A little flustered, Chizuru instinctively - and not even just because of the specific topic, mind you! - starts winding a lock of her hair around her finger as she's still moving along with the other. ] Not really.
[ Nothing that feels special, anyway, though Chizuru definitely doesn't feel special very quickly in general.. ]
Though I did brush it before meeting you here.. It feels kind of strange to otherwise go to a place like this completely underdressed, right..?
[Well, if they were both hunters and shooting pool? Underdressed was absolutely the name of the game. But she definitely appreciated the effort. Walking up the stairs one at a time, she grinned over at her, nodding at Chizuru. The next part she typed up at the top of the stairs while she was getting to the bar to get them a couple drinks ordered.]
You look good no matter what. What've you been up to lately, out of curiosity? Besides just surviving crazy curses.
If you put too much emphasis on it, you might just jinx it..
[ Thankfully Chizuru mostly seems to be saying it as a joke - despite it fully being possible in Trench of all places. Sometimes it does seem like it loves to spring things on them just when they aren't expecting it.
But she's smiling as she says it, even with the usual touch of shyness that always seems to accompany Chizuru, and she follows the other girl to the bar. If not just because Chizuru hates lingering by herself. ]
But I've been okay.. um, as okay as can be, anyway. [ You know, relative to this place. ] A friend of mine was having a hard time last month, so I was helping him.. But nothing too bad has been happening to me.
[She took one of the seats at the bar, patting the one next to her while she listened, nodding over at Chizuru and smiling a bit. Yeah, she'd probably always end up helping someone or another, wouldn't she?]
What about the good stuff? I would hope you're not just avoiding anything too bad after all. Can't always be survival mode around here.
[Deep down she knew she was dancing around a couple of the questions she wanted to ask, which meant there was no way Chizuru would get to it without a nudge. But she could take her time with it as she ordered a drink and let her friend order one as well.]
[ The girl moves over to take one of the seats as well - with just a little bit of a hop, considering that Chizuru isn't exactly the tallest person around, but she manages.
On the other hand.. she does seem entirely oblivious to the fact that Neo might be wanting to talk about anything else over here, especially judging by how genuinely and lightly she answers all of these questions. ]
Oh, no..! I mean, just spending time with my friends here.. That's already great to me. I never really got to do that much back home, you know..?
[ So actually getting friends, and spending time with them? It sure has been a good thing in Chizuru's eyes, despite the downsides of this place. She's enjoying it. ]
[It was impressive that Neo was actually a few inches shorter than her. They were both on the small and petite side, weren't they?
She nodded, perfectly fine with the fact that she'd known Chizuru probably wouldn't catch on. She knew that she'd have to actually ask her directly, and she didn't exactly want to be quite so blunt, but in the end they'd dance around all night and she knew it. Still, it was good she was still spending time with friends.]
Chizuru really didn't see it coming. Her reaction makes as much clear too. There's surprise at first, a slight widening of her eyes, and then it dies down into something else. Thankfully it's not something devastated, but there's still something a little sad in her eyes, even as she nods at the other girl. ]
We talked about what happened. [ With other people present as a buffer between them.. S-Shh.. ] But.. it's a little hard, I guess. I suggested that we should just be friends, but only a little bit ago she actually told me she still has feelings for me..
How do you feel about it now? I mean, do you still have feelings for her that way? Do you want to patch things up?
[Neo looked uncomfortable as she typed, not quite making eye contact. she got it all back together for her usual slightly cheery self, but there was obviously a little more going on in her face. She looked a little concerned, maybe?
Of course, internally, there was a bit of a roil. She was pretty sure as soon as Chizuru said what she did that now wasn't the time to go telling her things herself, but she also knew that if she didn't it would be very easy to just have those thoughts lost in the mix. But what did she want?
...
She wanted Chizuru happy. Yeah, that was most happy. she would have liked all three of them to be happy, but if push came to shove, she wanted Chizuru happy. She was accustomed to waiting.]
A moment later she glances over at Neopolitan and realises the other isn't directly looking at her, so she realises she might have to add a verbal version of that answer too, just to make sure the other can hear - even if Chizuru doesn't really want to say the words out loud. It feels too cruel, even if it's the truth. ]
No.
[ The word is soft, the guilt audible in it. ]
I, um..
[ Her voice trails off, and Chizuru takes in a deep breath that doesn't seem to help her nerves at all, her cheer from earlier now gone. The girl's hands move up, idly playing with her bangs. ]
.. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm really stupid for what I'm about to say..
You're not stupid, Chizuru. You're allowed to have whatever feelings right now that you have.
[She did manage to meet her gaze this time, right before pushing the omni a little to the side and shifting in her seat to look directly at her friend, offering her as reassuring a smile as she could manage. She did 'catch' that she'd soured the mood a little, but maybe that was going to be a given. The whole thing with Jinx had clearly not gone ... great.
Jinx's issues were her issues. Neo knew that.
She reached out a hand and rested it on the one of her friend's that wasn't up, fiddling with her hair, attempting to give it a little squeeze.]
[ Chizuru lets out a tiny sigh, and then moves to chew on her lower lip. It's clear that whatever she's thinking about, it really isn't easy for her to voice, not even with Neopolitan's kind support.
But she's trying. She doesn't want to hold it in when a friend is basically asking her to talk about it, so Chizuru tries pushing herself. Just-- talk. Just say it, even if it makes you feel bad. ]
I.. wonder if I could ever love anyone at all. [ There's a faint ashamed blush on her cheeks, and she shakes her head before quickly pulling her hand away from her friend's. ] I think I-- I'll have to change a lot about me before I could ever be in a relationship with anyone again.
[Oh! Oh... Actually... That... no that tracked. Part of her worried that some of this was her self esteem issues, but at the same time? She could believe it if she really wouldn't fall in love until... well... she just fell in love. And she definitely could see how her friend would want some time at the minimum.
Patting her hand, she only had the slip of her smile for a split second before it broadened back and she gave a firm nod. She wasn't about to call her stupid for this, and honestly? Maybe ...
Maybe she needed time too.]
You aren't stupid and that makes complete sense. And if you have to change a lot about yourself for someone, maybe take a step back. They should be able to love you for who you are then.
You should take all the time you need. And if you never do, that's ok too, actually. Some people aren't built that way and that's fine.
[Look, she might not actually have the word 'ace' in her vocabulary, but she could appreciate that a person like that might exist.]
[ At least Neo's answer is sweet. Not that Chizuru really expected any different from her friend, really. For all of Neopolitan's talk of the bad stuff she's done, Chizuru has never experienced her to be anything but sweet to her, especially at vulnerable moments like these.
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
[Oh, hmmmm... no. No she didn't think that was it. But, she did think that maybe Chizuru was in the right ballpark. Either way, she wasn't lacking in the "Good enough to date" category in her mind. How to put this? She was obviously thinking about it for a moment before nodding.]
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better? So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship? So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date. Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
[her lips thinned and she considered that for a moment. Jinx saying that wasn't ... no, it wasn't wrong. In a healthy relationship they should have been able to find happiness together for each other. They didn't always have to be 'in love' or anything really intense or super happy, but they should be able to find happiness. But...]
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy. At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think. It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself. Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content. Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content. right?
[ There's a slight nod on Chizuru's end, though it still seems like the girl is very much sunken in thought. ]
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
[Hmmm, well. She'd been the one to open this can of worms. today'd ended up a bit more weighty a talk, but at the same time? It probably needed to be. She had to think about this, because it was... honestly a very hard question for her. She'd never really been content except when Emerald had been in the dream and when Roman had been alive.
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you. I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really. We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you. And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want. And even when you're ready to ask for more.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But.. no. As she reads it, the girl realises it's a pretty normal message. This is just how friends ask each other to hang out, right? She may not have known as much back home, but she's learned it here in Trench. ]
of course
i can come
[ .. then again, just to make sure-- ]
there is nothing wrong right
?
[ J-- Just to make sure!! You never know here! ]
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Not a problem at all going on, other than just the usual nonsense.
I was just thinking of getting together and hanging out.
[Totally normal. This was totally normal. Everything was on the up and up and she was not being weird at all. Yep.
...
Brothers, she was glad this was Chizuru. She probably had no idea that she was behaving a little oddly.]
Meet you there at 7?
no subject
if you are sure
[ See, Neo, there you go. A perfectly oblivious Chizuru to any awkwardness that many be going on on Neopolitan's end of this entire thing. She just assumes everything is fine if the other is saying so. ]
i will see you there
[ And Chizuru means it. She will be there. In fact, when Neo arrives, she'll probably spot Chizuru already standing there - like the girl just couldn't resist being a little early, just to make sure she wouldn't inconvenience Neo by making her have to wait. ]
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She waved over at Chizuru and grinned, resting her umbrella on her shoulder as she held the door open for her friend, typing after a second.]
Hey, hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.
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Not at all!
[ Somehow that reaction comes more instinctively to her right now than anything else. It's a little strange, if she'd stop to think about it - the way seeing Neopolitan without her illusion up has slowly become almost normal to Chizuru, even though she had known the other for so long before ever first seeing it.
Which is why she just greets her like she'd normally would, moving into the establishment while Neopolitan holds open the door, but turning back to look at the other once she's inside. ]
You look really nice today. [ At least with Chizuru being the way she is, it's very clear it's just a straightforward compliment rather than anything flirty, even with the hint of admiration in her eyes. ]
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Oh wait, hadn't she just said something to her?]
You look great too.
Did you do something with your hair?
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[ Nothing that feels special, anyway, though Chizuru definitely doesn't feel special very quickly in general.. ]
Though I did brush it before meeting you here.. It feels kind of strange to otherwise go to a place like this completely underdressed, right..?
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You look good no matter what.
What've you been up to lately, out of curiosity?
Besides just surviving crazy curses.
Heh, let's treat tonight as a curse free zone.
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[ Thankfully Chizuru mostly seems to be saying it as a joke - despite it fully being possible in Trench of all places. Sometimes it does seem like it loves to spring things on them just when they aren't expecting it.
But she's smiling as she says it, even with the usual touch of shyness that always seems to accompany Chizuru, and she follows the other girl to the bar. If not just because Chizuru hates lingering by herself. ]
But I've been okay.. um, as okay as can be, anyway. [ You know, relative to this place. ] A friend of mine was having a hard time last month, so I was helping him.. But nothing too bad has been happening to me.
no subject
What about the good stuff?
I would hope you're not just avoiding anything too bad after all.
Can't always be survival mode around here.
[Deep down she knew she was dancing around a couple of the questions she wanted to ask, which meant there was no way Chizuru would get to it without a nudge. But she could take her time with it as she ordered a drink and let her friend order one as well.]
no subject
On the other hand.. she does seem entirely oblivious to the fact that Neo might be wanting to talk about anything else over here, especially judging by how genuinely and lightly she answers all of these questions. ]
Oh, no..! I mean, just spending time with my friends here.. That's already great to me. I never really got to do that much back home, you know..?
[ So actually getting friends, and spending time with them? It sure has been a good thing in Chizuru's eyes, despite the downsides of this place. She's enjoying it. ]
no subject
She nodded, perfectly fine with the fact that she'd known Chizuru probably wouldn't catch on. She knew that she'd have to actually ask her directly, and she didn't exactly want to be quite so blunt, but in the end they'd dance around all night and she knew it. Still, it was good she was still spending time with friends.]
You and Jinx patch things up?
[...welp, there it was!]
no subject
Chizuru really didn't see it coming. Her reaction makes as much clear too. There's surprise at first, a slight widening of her eyes, and then it dies down into something else. Thankfully it's not something devastated, but there's still something a little sad in her eyes, even as she nods at the other girl. ]
We talked about what happened. [ With other people present as a buffer between them.. S-Shh.. ] But.. it's a little hard, I guess. I suggested that we should just be friends, but only a little bit ago she actually told me she still has feelings for me..
no subject
How do you feel about it now?
I mean, do you still have feelings for her that way?
Do you want to patch things up?
[Neo looked uncomfortable as she typed, not quite making eye contact. she got it all back together for her usual slightly cheery self, but there was obviously a little more going on in her face. She looked a little concerned, maybe?
Of course, internally, there was a bit of a roil. She was pretty sure as soon as Chizuru said what she did that now wasn't the time to go telling her things herself, but she also knew that if she didn't it would be very easy to just have those thoughts lost in the mix. But what did she want?
...
She wanted Chizuru happy. Yeah, that was most happy. she would have liked all three of them to be happy, but if push came to shove, she wanted Chizuru happy. She was accustomed to waiting.]
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A moment later she glances over at Neopolitan and realises the other isn't directly looking at her, so she realises she might have to add a verbal version of that answer too, just to make sure the other can hear - even if Chizuru doesn't really want to say the words out loud. It feels too cruel, even if it's the truth. ]
No.
[ The word is soft, the guilt audible in it. ]
I, um..
[ Her voice trails off, and Chizuru takes in a deep breath that doesn't seem to help her nerves at all, her cheer from earlier now gone. The girl's hands move up, idly playing with her bangs. ]
.. I'm sorry, I feel like I'm really stupid for what I'm about to say..
no subject
You're allowed to have whatever feelings right now that you have.
[She did manage to meet her gaze this time, right before pushing the omni a little to the side and shifting in her seat to look directly at her friend, offering her as reassuring a smile as she could manage. She did 'catch' that she'd soured the mood a little, but maybe that was going to be a given. The whole thing with Jinx had clearly not gone ... great.
Jinx's issues were her issues. Neo knew that.
She reached out a hand and rested it on the one of her friend's that wasn't up, fiddling with her hair, attempting to give it a little squeeze.]
no subject
But she's trying. She doesn't want to hold it in when a friend is basically asking her to talk about it, so Chizuru tries pushing herself. Just-- talk. Just say it, even if it makes you feel bad. ]
I.. wonder if I could ever love anyone at all. [ There's a faint ashamed blush on her cheeks, and she shakes her head before quickly pulling her hand away from her friend's. ] I think I-- I'll have to change a lot about me before I could ever be in a relationship with anyone again.
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Patting her hand, she only had the slip of her smile for a split second before it broadened back and she gave a firm nod. She wasn't about to call her stupid for this, and honestly? Maybe ...
Maybe she needed time too.]
You aren't stupid and that makes complete sense.
And if you have to change a lot about yourself for someone, maybe take a step back.
They should be able to love you for who you are then.
You should take all the time you need.
And if you never do, that's ok too, actually.
Some people aren't built that way and that's fine.
[Look, she might not actually have the word 'ace' in her vocabulary, but she could appreciate that a person like that might exist.]
no subject
It still makes it a little nerve-wracking to talk about all of this though. She isn't quite used to taking up space, and it feels like she's doing exactly that right now. There's the temptation to somehow flip this around, to make it about Neopolitan instead, but Chizuru tries to resist her instinctive urge to hide away. ]
I don't know. [ She says. Her voice is soft, and she avoids the other's gaze. ] I don't think it means changing myself for someone, it just means.. um..
[ Apparently it's hard for her to find the right words, since her eyebrows knit together into a thoughtful frown. ]
It's.. becoming a better person, I guess. Someone who can be an equal in a relationship.
no subject
Do you mean that you want to know yourself better?
So that you know what you want, and how you want to be in a relationship?
So that you're on the same level with them?
Because you're definitely good enough to date.
Though I understand you wanting to wait to figure things out first.
no subject
[ Her voice trails off. It feels incredibly embarrassing to put this problem into words so directly, after all, and Chizuru needs a moment to gather her courage enough to do so, even if it's in front of a good friend.
Heck, the fact that Neo is a good friend is probably the only reason Chizuru can force out the words at all, no matter how belatedly. ]
I'm.. not sure if I want anything. For.. for me, I mean. [ She frowns. It's so hard to figure out how to even say this, but she's trying her best. ] I just want to make other people happy, but Jinx said that isn't enough. That I need to be happy, even if I'm all alone in this place.
no subject
Maybe some part of your happiness is seeing people close to you happy.
At the same time, it's important for you to be happy on your own terms, I think.
It sounds like you're not really used to 'wanting' things for yourself.
Or thinking that you deserve to have them.
And you do deserve to be able to be content.
Maybe you aren't the sort that's super happy, but you can be content.
right?
no subject
I mean.. Just spending my days like this, with you and my other friends.. Just being around each other.. That's enough for me. I guess you could say that makes me content.
[ Honestly, Chizuru would even call it happy, were it not for the fact that she's a little worried about whether it's a good thing or not that it makes her happy at this point.. All these conversations are so complicated.
Especially since - as Neo points out - Chizuru doesn't know how to want anything. She never really has before. ]
But is that not enough..?
no subject
But her discontent was her problem, not Chizuru's.]
I think it should be you who decides what's enough for you.
I don't think it's something that Jinx or I could ever actually tell you, really.
We can tell you that you deserve to be happy, and that's fine.
But you get to decide what that is for you.
And you get to decide when it's enough for what you want.
And even when you're ready to ask for more.
This should be on your time. Not ours.