( she sighs because it's complicated to explain what's really going on in her head (let alone her feelings) when her life had always been such a hurricane. her face grows softer as she makes her way to take a seat next to chizuru; really slouching while draping her arm over her eyes. maybe if she keeps her eyes off her, this will come easy. )
I'll admit somethin', Ru. I... I dunno what I want with a lotta things. ( ugh. she hates being vulnerable like this. ) — I've been here for a few months now and I still don't get anything. With this place, the people, Vi, Ekko, Viktor... my own Pops. There's just so much shit with all of this and I'm tryin' to untangle it all so it'll make sense to me.
( she removes her arm but keeps her gaze up to her ceiling. )
I've built this place and I'm startin' my own business to mainly get my foot in the door. And, I dunno, maybe then things will just... fall into place after a while. Things will get easier for me and not a mess all the time.
( jinx steals a quick little glance then to the roof again. )
... But I know that I like ya. I enjoy flirtin' with you more than anyone else here. That much I know for sure. And being with you is pretty nice and I want things to keep feelin' nice. ( being around ekko feels nice too but... he made it clear (without knowing) the two of them will never be more than what they are. and even if they could be more, again. m e s s y.)
Because things aren't shitty with you and I-I like that.
( ... she should make an effort to look at her so she does. jinx's head tilts over to the girl's direction. )
Listen, I dunno if I'm that girl you dream of on your wedding day and I'm probably not the one. But... there's no harm in doing this for a lil' while, right?
[ Everything here makes it so obvious that this isn't an easy subject for Jinx to talk about - and that, therefore, she is being very serious about it all. It makes Chizuru's gaze soften as she stares at the other, listening to Jinx speak on, even when the other isn't looking at her.
Until Jinx suddenly is, at the end there. All of this is still-- well, it's very overwhelming, and it's making Chizuru blush a little bit, but when she realises that the other girl is looking back at her.. she can't help but smile a bit. ]
Hey.. It's okay.
[ Her voice is so soft, but then again, it's not like she has to speak any louder than that when they're sitting right next to each other right now. It's perfectly audible to the two of them, and they're the only ones who have to hear it, right?
Chizuru reaches out, trying to take a gentle hold of one of Jinx's hands, and sandwiching it between her own two soft hands to hold it like that. ]
I don't think you have to worry about anything. I'm pretty sure that everyone in this place feels that way. Being here can be so strange, and overwhelming, and there's always a lot to deal with.. It makes it hard to feel like you're truly settled. [ She lets out a soft breath, bordering on a laugh. ] Or, um, at least I feel that way too, even though I've almost been here for a whole year now.. So maybe it's just us?
[ There's a faint jokish side to that last part, though Chizuru shakes her head, shaking it off. Her gaze doesn't turn away from Jinx. ]
And I don't... I don't think it's bad to try out something that makes you happy.
[ Jinx did admit as much just now, after all. And for Chizuru-- well, she isn't sure if she loves Jinx, but she does know she feels very fondly about the other. And didn't someone say that's how love is supposed to work? That it isn't about courting one person to stay with forever from the very beginning, but to start out more casually and find out if it is or isn't what you want?
Maybe.. Chizuru should try that now, even with as new and strange as it is. ]
So.. if you're sure you really want to, then.. maybe we should try it out together. To see if it makes us happy.
( jinx wasn't expecting chizuru's touch or well, honestly, what's there to predict? she was vomitting a lot of words just now and somewhere inside herself was screaming at her to stop. sure, she's been more open with herself with vi, sharon, and even nara'a, but she shouldn't make this a habit, right? because if you wear your heart on your sleeve or hold up your feelings as a display -- harm will come to you. it's almost guaranteed someone will use what you have as a weapon and you will only have yourself to blame for being so stupid.
it's an unhealthy way of thinking and living, but that is jinx in a nutshell. almost everything she does is damaging to herself and those around her. but hearing the other girl out, it's nice to know someone else understands where she is coming from. well, more like MORE people understand. because she's spoken about this topic before with various people.
and it's not that what they've said she believes are fibs, but jinx has a watchful eye of the people of trench (an old habit) on via network or when they're out and about. and from her prospective, they appear as if they have everything together -- their lives and themselves. and it makes her feel... behind; last place. it's that scoreboard all over again where she's at maybe in the thirtieth out of who knows how many people. but listening to chizuru, maybe she can help her realize that all of this isn't a race and it's more about going on your own pace. and that no one will stand there at the finish line, gloat, and ask, "what took you so long?" because not everyone is mylo or thinks like him. )
( and it's a shame he isn't in the living (physically) because she would shove it in his face that she has a girl whose into her and he is still a guy with no one. speaking of... jinx is beginning to blush very steadily and the pinks of her eyes flicker a little when the subject gear towards their relationship. is she hearing this right? she's not having a hallucination right now? wait, no. this has to be real because her delusions are never this nice or calm. there's a lump stuck in her throat now and she quickly darts her gaze to their hands because again, easier. )
U-Uh, yeah! Totally, let's uh. Let's give this a whirl...! Eh, heh, heh...
( holy shit, is this really happening? someone likes a monster girl like her and wants to pursued this? privately, jinx will definitely freak out over this because despite all of her basic knowledge of how dating goes, she's never been in one herself. especially with another girl.
jinx brings up the courage to look up at chizuru again and smiles sheepishly. )
Let's see what we're about then.
( because there's still so much she doesn't know about her. hell, she doesn't even know the basic stuff like what blood type she is, what's her omen's name, or what it is. boy, she sucks. )
It's hard to imagine the other really being like that, and yet with every single passing moment of the other's reaction that Chizuru is witnessing right here and now she can't help but think that it's got to be what's going on here. Why else would Jinx have that look on her face, or that tone in her voice, or that nervous little bit of laughter..
It makes Chizuru a little worried that maybe the other doesn't mean this after all - but if she did, then surely she wouldn't have said everything that came before now.
Maybe it's just.. that this is just as new to Jinx as it is to Chizuru herself, maybe.
It's a reassuring thought, and it makes the smile on Chizuru's face grow a little wider as she squeezes the other's hand lightly. ]
What's this? [ It's a tease, sure, but her voice is so light that it's hard to interpret as anything else other than something good-natured. Like there's a bit of an innocent giddiness to it. ] Usually you're so bold, mi-- um.. J-Jinx.
[ Oh gosh, saying her name without 'miss' in front of it feels weirdly intimate, given the context.. but Chizuru does her best to push on. S-She can do it! ]
Is it harder now..?
[ Can't do the teasing flirting now Chizuru is truly about to be your girl? ]
(oh gosh, a call out. jinx doesn't necessarily squeak like chizuru does, but she does jolt with her face heated. she looks away quickly to try to hide it or put up a front even when she is a bit stuck staying put like this. jinx fumbles in her words; a few "uhms" and "uhs" while trying to find a way to recover from this.
luckily though her last question helps shoo the fluster away and she settles. )
No, no! It's not harder, just... ( a beat while she tries to figure out the right sentences. a sigh then with her eyes move to their hands -- her free one coming around to brush against the back of chizuru's hand. )
Here in Trench, someone said to me... 'cuz the way I am, I'll never find someone who'll like me. A self-centered lil' shit is what he called me. It ain't nothin' new being called that.
( ... )
— I'm not like other girls. I'm... a handful, a problem, and probably not meant to be born. One look at me and I'm labeled difficult. Someone who should get tossed out and stay clear from. Don't really blame 'em. I've done shit I'm not proud of and I've done shit that I am.
Guess what I'm tryin' to say here is... I-I didn't think anyone would like a troublemaker like me.
( when she looks up to her again, there's an expression that almost appears she might start crying but she's holding it back -- even clearing her throat so her voice will stay leveled. )
[ Chizuru's facial expression drops as she hears what someone told Jinx. On the one hand, it's.. not like she totally can't imagine where it came from, considering the attitude Jinx tends to show a whole lot of people, if her posts on the network are anything to go by. But on the other hand, what that other person is also going a little bit too far, isn't it..? Did they think that Jinx isn't capable of feeling bad about that stuff?
Because she is. Of course she is. Chizuru wouldn't even have had to seen Jinx sad about it like right now to know that it'd bum the other out to hear that sort of thing, just like it would with any other person. Jinx has feelings too. ]
So what if you're a litttle difficult..?
[ Chizuru refuses to give in to any of those other things. The idea that Jinx is unloveable, or a problem by default - that's going way too far.
But a little difficult? Sure. She's a lot like Okita in that regard - like an unsocialized cat. It's not even a bad thing, it's just-- ]
You know, when I look at you, um.. I hope this isn't too presumptuous of me to say, but sometimes it feels a little bit like you're still figuring out who you want to be. [ Especially around other people. It's like Jinx is allergic to being vulnerable in front of others, or maybe just too worried to do so. ] But that doesn't mean people should stay away from you. It means they should be around you, and support you through it.. which is what I want to do.
[ She offers the other a small smile again when she says that. ]
I want to show you that it's okay to be nice with some people. To talk with them, and share your feelings. Of course it doesn't have to be with everyone ever, but-- if we're going to be dating, you can practice with me, right?
[ Chizuru would like that, anyway.
She wants to be a person Jinx feels like she can say anything to. And who to do that better with than with a girlfriend..? ]
And then we can show all those people who said mean stuff about you how great of a person you've become once you have everything figured out. When you can fully be the person you want to be the most.
( is she still trying to figure out who she is? she decided to be jinx over powder before being washed up in trench. but now that zaun, piltover, runeterra in its entirely are no more, who is jinx now? her last purpose was to cause war between the two worlds because she had nothing else to lose. everything she had in that life died that night. and since her arrival here, jinx had been quietly struggling with the main question for months now.
"now that your life there is gone, what now? what are you going to do? what will you do?"
because all those troubles are no longer of an importance. it's like mariana really did sailed through runeterra and drowned it all away out of existence. one simple quick answer would be is to follow whatever agenda silco had next on his list. but she ran away from him the moment she set her eyes on him. and when she came back the second time, he was gone. maybe if she was just brave enough that day, he could had gave her an order so she wouldn't be roaming around so blindly. )
( another answer would be to just... do whatever jinx wants. she now has the freedom to run around and cause destruction. and doing that would had been very simple if somewhere down the line, she hadn't came across enjoying people. in fact if she were to be honest, chizuru is the prime reason why she can't seem to hurt people like she use to. the fear in her eyes haunt her mind and strangely enough, it's a different effect from how others wear the look. she relishes on their fears but not hers. and why not hers? is it because she is one of the first people in trench who wasn't afraid to get close to her and touch her regardless what a maniac she is?
because vi, too, did the same. jinx had her machine gun pointed right at her face and her sister pushed it aside and touched her shoulder like it was nothing. and to see someone with that kind of bravery and that kindness, it... somehow makes her want to keep chizuru in her life. zaun was filled with polluted air, creaky and leaky pipes, and hard stones. there were no flowers, sunlight, or any sort of plant life unless one ventured off to the northside. and even then, zaunites weren't allowed. )
( so when she sees chizuru, she's that very scintillating yet delicate flower that somehow survived through the debris and rubble of her disorderly world. something she wants to keep in a vase or glass to watch over or have. a reminder to her that things can be beautiful and lovely -- it's not all dark, hopeless, and anguish. so to this flower, it's alright to open up to with how she feels and to speak to. and as she listens to chizuru's words, the look she has on her face is slightly dazed.
her heart flutters more by each syllable until ... 'and then we can show all those people who said mean stuff about you how great of a person you've become once you have everything figured out.'
and right at the end of that note, a voice. a voice of a strong wise man with a tone so gentle all the same.
'it's okay. we'll show them. we will show them all'.)
( while the determination and the notions between these two are different, the goal is still the same. to show everyone that she is strong, great, and perfect. without realizing, there's a pink tear that rolls down her cheek -- her breath hitching with her hand trembling within her hold. her tears having color is probably alarming and strange but she will learn there's a lot of strange things when it comes to her. and it's after that one tear, more follow -- then before she knows it, she's sobbing. her locks twisting more milky blue and the temperature of the room gradually chilled than warmth. )
[ Sure, some things are a little alarming about this. The way Jinx's coldblood seems to be influencing the air around here, or the way her tears have such an odd colour - but it's hard for Chizuru to feel very concerned about those in the moment when she's entirely focused on the fact that Jinx is crying to begin with.
And how she just hopes it's a good cry. Chizuru feels like it probably is, considering what she said only a moment ago. It's probably just emotions that Jinx has been cropping up for such a while behind her tough attitude that are all flowing out in this moment - and that's a good thing.
So Chizuru tries to calm her heart despite the worries about the other girl crying. Instead she shifts her grip on Jinx, no loner just holding the other's arms, but instead reaching out to hold the girl's body, trying to shift Jinx so she can lean against Chizuru in the hug while she cries. ]
It's okay. [ Chizuru's voice is so low in volume that it's little above a whisper. ] It's okay..
[ She rubs Jinx's back a little, but then instead just moves to hold her tighter, resting Chizuru's own forehead against the other as well.
(Did no one ever tell Jinx this, Chizuru wonders. Isn't it such a simple thing to say?
Isn't it so obvious that it's the sort of thing Jinx needs to hear?
-- then again, maybe it's only obvious to her.) ]
You can let it all out. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, okay? [ So Jinx can trust her.
And be open around her like this. Chizuru really likes that idea, even though the idea of someone being more open with her than with most people is pretty heart-fluttering. ]
( it's not she hadn't been told this before, she has. but it's more so she is still very much coping with all that happened back home, the crazy situations here, and trying to make amends with not just with her sister, but with ekko and... well, herself.
because while silco seemed to have forgiven her from killing him, she hasn't. there's so much guilt that weighs hard on her shoulders and she sometimes wonder if one day, she will die due to her lungs getting smooshed from underneath.
and even if the very rare chance she forgives herself over his death, it'll be hard to excuse herself the death of her previous family. they would had been alive if it wasn't for her, vi wouldn't had left her if it wasn't for her, and the war wouldn't had happen if it wasn't for her. all the troubles revolving around zaun and piltover are due to her merely existing. so when others (mostly in trench and her sister) say words like this, how can she believe it? )
( and ask sevika said, it's only matter of time until she implodes; intentionally or not. maybe it would be better for everyone (plants, animals, and all) if she just sits put and stare at a wall until she dies due to starvation, dehydration, or both.
and maybe by doing so, everyone would just live happily. vi will be relieved from all of her stresses and be happy with sansa (who is clearly a way better sister), ekko won't have to live on eggshells, and the people of trench won't have to worry about her causing a ruckus.
it's even when jinx tries to be nicer or kindhearted, she'll find somehow to jinx it all up for them. and as she sobs further, jinx welcomes the embrace (for now) as she returns it -- the hold not desperate but it is a tight one. she says nothing but simply nods to her. she trusts her to not blab about her like this. this side of her, she would rather only vi see but even then... that's fifty-fifty. )
[ Chizuru may not be aware of absolutely everything that's going on inside of Jinx's head right now. But.. that's also fine with her. As long as she can continue to hold the other like this, and hopefully provide her with the tiniest bit of comfort, then Chizuru will stay like this. She'll keep holding her.
Even if it lasts for a little while. Chizuru is a patient girl, and she's perfectly okay with just staying like this, the two of them sitting together and hugging.
.. if anything, Chizuru may be starting to softly hum after a little bit. It's audible even over the sobs, despite it being soft. It's like a gentle melody, and Chizuru's hand moves to gently brush through the other's hair. ]
( as the hugging resumes on and hearing the soft hums of her voice, her sobs are calming. more so because she would like to hear this melody -- most likely unrecognizable to her. with a sniffle, jinx nuzzles into chizuru's hold to listen and enjoying the gentleness of her tone. when there is a tiny break of silence, she asks -- barely above a whisper: )
... You sound nice. Can I sing to you, too? There's... a song my people would sing to the city above ours. They never listened, but... we sung it to 'em anyway.
[ Her voice is soft, like she doesn't want to break the mood here by raising it to a volume that feels too loud for a moment that's so tender. Still, her approval sounds very genuine. Chizuru doesn't mind.
Especially since it might help Jinx feel a little better. At least her crying seems to have calmed down a bit already.. ]
( jinx finally break their embrace but only so she can rest her head on her lap. she exhales a soft sigh and drying away any leftover tears before she sings: )
♪ Dear friend, Across the river. My hands are cold and bare. Dear friend, Across the river. I'll take what you can spare.
I ask of you a penny, My fortune, it will be. I ask you without envy, We build no mighty towers. Our homes are made of stone, So come across the river, And find the world below. ♪
[ This time Chizuru is the one who's quiet as she listens to Jinx. She shifts a little so the other can lie on her lap a little more comfortably, but then stills once she's pretty sure she's in a good position for it. Her hand slowly, almost lazily, moves through Jinx's hair while listening.
.. she wonders if she could see it, if she were to close her eyes, despite never having been there. The place Jinx comes from, the place she's singing about. One world divided into two. A song that almost holds some sort of longing in it - not entirely like the Jinx that the other shows to the world, but Chizuru thinks there may be a piece of the other in it all the same.
Even when the song ends, she's quiet for a moment or two, and then she slowly speaks. Her hand keeps moving. ]
It's a nice song. [ That feels most important to say first. It's like thanking Jinx for singing in the first place, even though she's heard it before thanks to the coldblood curse going around - but this song sure is different. ] .. though also a little sad, when it isn't answered.
Topsiders didn't give a crap about us. What was important to them was their image and how they looked to the rest of the world.
( a small sigh as she nuzzles her cheek more onto her knees; shutting her eyes as chizuru caresses her head. )
Pretended we didn't exist whenever we called for help. Or came down when they thought we were outta line. My family and I got shoved around, been patted down whenever they thought we did somethin' or stolen somethin'. Even when we didn't, it's not like they apologized. To them? We still deserved whatever what was comin' to us.
( jinx shifts carefully so she can look up at the other girl with a bittersweet smile. )
But it's not like that here. I'm glad for it but... I dunno, a lil' homesick, too. Is that weird?
[ It's a simple answer, but it feels better to address that part rather than anything else that came before it. Not that Chizuru doesn't feel for the way Jinx and her family have been treated - it's awful, and they should have had so many better things - but she doesn't want to linger on anything too negative in this moment.
This moment is meant to calm Jinx's feelings down a little, after all, rather than rile them up all over again. ]
Isn't it only natural? This place.. It's so different from any of our homes. [ Chizuru is definitely speaking from experience there. Going from Edo or Kyoto to Trench has been a huge culture shock, in so many ways. ] Of course we'd still long back for what's familiar to us.
[ Her hand still moves, gently caressing Jinx even as she speaks. ]
Even if we'd get used to being here.. I think a small part of us will always think about home anyway. It's just how people work.
[ Chizuru sounds a lot more mature when she's just speaking calmly like this too, rather than her usual shy squeaking. ]
( and it's this moment when possibly their true selves are out on the open. jinx enjoys teasing the hell out of chizuru to the point she's red and squealing. and jinx will even stand proud with her chest out and act like a complete tyrant while chizuru is clueless to modern customs. but underneath all of those layers, jinx is still young. sure, chizuru is only a few years older than her but the other girl had only turned eighteen just a few months ago.
jinx is smart when it comes to building scraps into something extraordinary, however, she is also horribly immature. there's so much she has yet to learn. and even with the patrons throwing the townsfolks into situations where they can acquire new knowledge, jinx had admitted to absorb nothing. and having someone like chizuru, who is wiser in a few places, maybe she will finally sit put and listen since there's some interest lingering there. )
Hmm.
( feeling truly at peace, the blue-haired girl shut her eyes to take in more of the other girl's petting. )
I sorta wish some of 'em were here, too. Food here is better... I'd think they'll like it.
[ She takes the answer in with a small smile, but then speaks up again. ]
Who would you want to be here the most?
[ Granted, that can be a hard question, depending on the circumstances. Chizuru can think of quite a few people she'd like to see again - but she'd feel guilty if she had to point out who she'd want to see the most. It'd feel a little too much like betraying all the other people important to her to only name one.
But she figures this situation is lowkey enough - and Jinx perhaps a little less fussy about things like politeness - that she can ask, her hand still moving. ]
I mean, you're going to have to introduce me anyway when new people from your world show up. [ Especially if it's within the trial dating period they just decided on.. Can't not get to know Jinx's girlfriend when you care about Jinx, right. ] So you might as well get a head start now.
( she says this without a second thought. the temperature in the room seems to be warming up steadily and her eyes flutter open -- peering up to her. )
He was here once actually. I dunno for how long but... I saw him briefly 'till he, uh, went back to the ocean. His name is Silco. Have you met him?
She just didn't get his name, and without having a face to match it with, she has no idea. It had only been a brief encounter too, many months ago - there's no way she's thinking about it now, while she's looking down at the other girl lying on her lap. ]
Tell me about him.
[ Sure, Chizuru's relationship with her dad may be.. Complicated, that's for sure, but she assumes Jinx must have a better relationship with her own, or she wouldn't bring him up here. ]
( she huffs out a bashful chuckle while tapping her fingers on her stomach. ) Sheesh, where to start with him, huh?
( because there's so much about silco just like there's so much about vi. but she'll do her very best to make him sound presentable. )
Well, a lotta people think he's rough. And he kinda is. A strong voice who is all about business and gettin' stuff done. But I see that as a good thing. I lose focus a lot and he is able to keep his eye on the prize. He, uh, helps me with that whenever I get — ( she lightly lifts up a hand and does a silly wave around motion with it -- indicating how all over the place she can get. )
( with her hand back on her stomach, she continues: )
He's all about lessons so he'd be great here 'cuz the Patrons-whatevers are like that, too. They're sooooo long and borin', but... now I kinda wish I could hear one from him.
( her tone quiets more. )
... People think he's terrible 'cuz his dream deals with the harsh reality of things. And yeah, he's done things that meant other people will get badly hurt in the process. But he did those things so I'd have a happier life, for my people to have a better life, and so my city can raise up from the stupid richie Topsiders who treated us like slugs.
( the sigh that leaves her; a mixture of defeat but frustration, too. )
Vi hates him, Ekko hates him. They think he's some kind of monster when he isn't. He has a heart, he cares. ... He took care of me when I had no one else and when I was alone. He and I did what we had to do for the good of our people and I just wish they could see that.
[ Jinx is doing a great job at making him sound presentable here - and the fact that Chizuru is so inclined to see the very best in people helps that right along to form an actually pretty good image of him in Chizuru's mind, regardless of how much it might actually line up with the reality of things.
After all, with the specific way Jinx is saying all of this, it makes him sound like-- ]
He sounds like some of the people I know back home.
[ Especially Hijikata, Chizuru thinks. She's been missing him, and it sounds like it's for similar reasons that Jinx misses Silco, even if that's more of a paternal thing than a crush thing like in Chizuru's case.. But the guidance from them, the admiration for them - it sounds very similar. ]
I think.. that if you don't know people very well, it's easy to misunderstand their intentions. Miss Vi and that Ekko person must not know him as well as you did. [ Or so Chizuru assumes, anyway.
Besides, how could Silco be a truly bad person if he was caring so well for Jinx? ]
( there's a smile there when she says those words but sadly, it slowly fades away as she turns back on her side. jinx nuzzles against her legs with her eyes dart down to her wooden floors. )
... He's also a liar.
( she words this bluntly and there's hurt mixed in, too. )
For years, I thought... Vi died when we separated. But all that time, she was arrested. Silco said he didn't knew but when he found out, he purposely tried to keep that from me. To keep us apart.
( a pause as she rubs her cheek more into her. )
He said he lied 'cuz he wanted to protect me. That Vi and the Enforcer were only after the crystal I took. She wasn't lookin' for me. But Vi, even now, still says it wasn't about that. She gave me the crystal back just a few days ago.
( in her voice, it sounds she is trying to not cry again -- she's holding it together but there's quivering in her speech. )
He got offered a deal to turn me in to Piltover and he... he looked like he was considering giving me up. But then before he — ( a beat; rewording. ) — But he said he would never do that. ... I believe him but. He told me Vi would hate the way I am now if she spent a single day with me.
It's been months and she's... still here with me. Was everything he said a lie?
[ Honestly, it's hard for Chizuru to make a judgement here. She doesn't know the person Jinx is talking about, after all - and even Jinx's own perspective seems.. complicated, like she's stuck right in the middle of two wildly different thoughts about the man, swinging back and forth without being able to land on one and stick with it.
It leaves her quiet for a moment, one of her fingers idly twirling some of Jinx's hair around itself, humming lightly in consideration.
When she speaks up again, her voice is soft. ]
What do you think?
[ Was everything a lie? Wasn't it?
Isn't that something Jinx has to decide for herself? ]
( what does she think? honestly, way too much. there's so many thoughts that overlap the other; that contradicts the other. and with the dead chiming in with their own opinions, it's hard to make up her mind. so she replies with a small shrug and her tone to match her softness. )
I dunno. ... I dunno what to think of anything. If he's been lying or if Vi's been lying o-or both. ( a pause; again sounding so broken. ) I'd hope being in a place like this the answer would jump right at me, but... I'm still confused.
Ya'll say the past is the past but it's hard to put it behind ya when it's always in your face.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
( she sighs because it's complicated to explain what's really going on in her head (let alone her feelings) when her life had always been such a hurricane. her face grows softer as she makes her way to take a seat next to chizuru; really slouching while draping her arm over her eyes. maybe if she keeps her eyes off her, this will come easy. )
I'll admit somethin', Ru. I... I dunno what I want with a lotta things. ( ugh. she hates being vulnerable like this. ) — I've been here for a few months now and I still don't get anything. With this place, the people, Vi, Ekko, Viktor... my own Pops. There's just so much shit with all of this and I'm tryin' to untangle it all so it'll make sense to me.
( she removes her arm but keeps her gaze up to her ceiling. )
I've built this place and I'm startin' my own business to mainly get my foot in the door. And, I dunno, maybe then things will just... fall into place after a while. Things will get easier for me and not a mess all the time.
( jinx steals a quick little glance then to the roof again. )
... But I know that I like ya. I enjoy flirtin' with you more than anyone else here. That much I know for sure. And being with you is pretty nice and I want things to keep feelin' nice. ( being around ekko feels nice too but... he made it clear (without knowing) the two of them will never be more than what they are. and even if they could be more, again. m e s s y.)
Because things aren't shitty with you and I-I like that.
( ... she should make an effort to look at her so she does. jinx's head tilts over to the girl's direction. )
Listen, I dunno if I'm that girl you dream of on your wedding day and I'm probably not the one. But... there's no harm in doing this for a lil' while, right?
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Until Jinx suddenly is, at the end there. All of this is still-- well, it's very overwhelming, and it's making Chizuru blush a little bit, but when she realises that the other girl is looking back at her.. she can't help but smile a bit. ]
Hey.. It's okay.
[ Her voice is so soft, but then again, it's not like she has to speak any louder than that when they're sitting right next to each other right now. It's perfectly audible to the two of them, and they're the only ones who have to hear it, right?
Chizuru reaches out, trying to take a gentle hold of one of Jinx's hands, and sandwiching it between her own two soft hands to hold it like that. ]
I don't think you have to worry about anything. I'm pretty sure that everyone in this place feels that way. Being here can be so strange, and overwhelming, and there's always a lot to deal with.. It makes it hard to feel like you're truly settled. [ She lets out a soft breath, bordering on a laugh. ] Or, um, at least I feel that way too, even though I've almost been here for a whole year now.. So maybe it's just us?
[ There's a faint jokish side to that last part, though Chizuru shakes her head, shaking it off. Her gaze doesn't turn away from Jinx. ]
And I don't... I don't think it's bad to try out something that makes you happy.
[ Jinx did admit as much just now, after all. And for Chizuru-- well, she isn't sure if she loves Jinx, but she does know she feels very fondly about the other. And didn't someone say that's how love is supposed to work? That it isn't about courting one person to stay with forever from the very beginning, but to start out more casually and find out if it is or isn't what you want?
Maybe.. Chizuru should try that now, even with as new and strange as it is. ]
So.. if you're sure you really want to, then.. maybe we should try it out together. To see if it makes us happy.
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it's an unhealthy way of thinking and living, but that is jinx in a nutshell. almost everything she does is damaging to herself and those around her. but hearing the other girl out, it's nice to know someone else understands where she is coming from. well, more like MORE people understand. because she's spoken about this topic before with various people.
and it's not that what they've said she believes are fibs, but jinx has a watchful eye of the people of trench (an old habit) on via network or when they're out and about. and from her prospective, they appear as if they have everything together -- their lives and themselves. and it makes her feel... behind; last place. it's that scoreboard all over again where she's at maybe in the thirtieth out of who knows how many people. but listening to chizuru, maybe she can help her realize that all of this isn't a race and it's more about going on your own pace. and that no one will stand there at the finish line, gloat, and ask, "what took you so long?" because not everyone is mylo or thinks like him. )
( and it's a shame he isn't in the living (physically) because she would shove it in his face that she has a girl whose into her and he is still a guy with no one. speaking of... jinx is beginning to blush very steadily and the pinks of her eyes flicker a little when the subject gear towards their relationship. is she hearing this right? she's not having a hallucination right now? wait, no. this has to be real because her delusions are never this nice or calm. there's a lump stuck in her throat now and she quickly darts her gaze to their hands because again, easier. )
U-Uh, yeah! Totally, let's uh. Let's give this a whirl...! Eh, heh, heh...
( holy shit, is this really happening? someone likes a
monstergirl like her and wants to pursued this? privately, jinx will definitely freak out over this because despite all of her basic knowledge of how dating goes, she's never been in one herself. especially with another girl.jinx brings up the courage to look up at chizuru again and smiles sheepishly. )
Let's see what we're about then.
( because there's still so much she doesn't know about her. hell, she doesn't even know the basic stuff like what blood type she is, what's her omen's name, or what it is. boy, she sucks. )
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It's hard to imagine the other really being like that, and yet with every single passing moment of the other's reaction that Chizuru is witnessing right here and now she can't help but think that it's got to be what's going on here. Why else would Jinx have that look on her face, or that tone in her voice, or that nervous little bit of laughter..
It makes Chizuru a little worried that maybe the other doesn't mean this after all - but if she did, then surely she wouldn't have said everything that came before now.
Maybe it's just.. that this is just as new to Jinx as it is to Chizuru herself, maybe.
It's a reassuring thought, and it makes the smile on Chizuru's face grow a little wider as she squeezes the other's hand lightly. ]
What's this? [ It's a tease, sure, but her voice is so light that it's hard to interpret as anything else other than something good-natured. Like there's a bit of an innocent giddiness to it. ] Usually you're so bold, mi-- um.. J-Jinx.
[ Oh gosh, saying her name without 'miss' in front of it feels weirdly intimate, given the context.. but Chizuru does her best to push on. S-She can do it! ]
Is it harder now..?
[ Can't do the teasing flirting now Chizuru is truly about to be your girl? ]
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luckily though her last question helps shoo the fluster away and she settles. )
No, no! It's not harder, just... ( a beat while she tries to figure out the right sentences. a sigh then with her eyes move to their hands -- her free one coming around to brush against the back of chizuru's hand. )
Here in Trench, someone said to me... 'cuz the way I am, I'll never find someone who'll like me. A self-centered lil' shit is what he called me. It ain't nothin' new being called that.
( ... )
— I'm not like other girls. I'm... a handful, a problem, and probably not meant to be born. One look at me and I'm labeled difficult. Someone who should get tossed out and stay clear from. Don't really blame 'em. I've done shit I'm not proud of and I've done shit that I am.
Guess what I'm tryin' to say here is... I-I didn't think anyone would like a troublemaker like me.
( when she looks up to her again, there's an expression that almost appears she might start crying but she's holding it back -- even clearing her throat so her voice will stay leveled. )
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Because she is. Of course she is. Chizuru wouldn't even have had to seen Jinx sad about it like right now to know that it'd bum the other out to hear that sort of thing, just like it would with any other person. Jinx has feelings too. ]
So what if you're a litttle difficult..?
[ Chizuru refuses to give in to any of those other things. The idea that Jinx is unloveable, or a problem by default - that's going way too far.
But a little difficult? Sure. She's a lot like Okita in that regard - like an unsocialized cat. It's not even a bad thing, it's just-- ]
You know, when I look at you, um.. I hope this isn't too presumptuous of me to say, but sometimes it feels a little bit like you're still figuring out who you want to be. [ Especially around other people. It's like Jinx is allergic to being vulnerable in front of others, or maybe just too worried to do so. ] But that doesn't mean people should stay away from you. It means they should be around you, and support you through it.. which is what I want to do.
[ She offers the other a small smile again when she says that. ]
I want to show you that it's okay to be nice with some people. To talk with them, and share your feelings. Of course it doesn't have to be with everyone ever, but-- if we're going to be dating, you can practice with me, right?
[ Chizuru would like that, anyway.
She wants to be a person Jinx feels like she can say anything to. And who to do that better with than with a girlfriend..? ]
And then we can show all those people who said mean stuff about you how great of a person you've become once you have everything figured out. When you can fully be the person you want to be the most.
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"now that your life there is gone, what now? what are you going to do? what will you do?"
because all those troubles are no longer of an importance. it's like mariana really did sailed through runeterra and drowned it all away out of existence. one simple quick answer would be is to follow whatever agenda silco had next on his list. but she ran away from him the moment she set her eyes on him. and when she came back the second time, he was gone. maybe if she was just brave enough that day, he could had gave her an order so she wouldn't be roaming around so blindly. )
( another answer would be to just... do whatever jinx wants. she now has the freedom to run around and cause destruction. and doing that would had been very simple if somewhere down the line, she hadn't came across enjoying people. in fact if she were to be honest, chizuru is the prime reason why she can't seem to hurt people like she use to. the fear in her eyes haunt her mind and strangely enough, it's a different effect from how others wear the look. she relishes on their fears but not hers. and why not hers? is it because she is one of the first people in trench who wasn't afraid to get close to her and touch her regardless what a maniac she is?
because vi, too, did the same. jinx had her machine gun pointed right at her face and her sister pushed it aside and touched her shoulder like it was nothing. and to see someone with that kind of bravery and that kindness, it... somehow makes her want to keep chizuru in her life. zaun was filled with polluted air, creaky and leaky pipes, and hard stones. there were no flowers, sunlight, or any sort of plant life unless one ventured off to the northside. and even then, zaunites weren't allowed. )
( so when she sees chizuru, she's that very scintillating yet delicate flower that somehow survived through the debris and rubble of her disorderly world. something she wants to keep in a vase or glass to watch over or have. a reminder to her that things can be beautiful and lovely -- it's not all dark, hopeless, and anguish. so to this flower, it's alright to open up to with how she feels and to speak to. and as she listens to chizuru's words, the look she has on her face is slightly dazed.
her heart flutters more by each syllable until ... 'and then we can show all those people who said mean stuff about you how great of a person you've become once you have everything figured out.'
and right at the end of that note, a voice. a voice of a strong wise man with a tone so gentle all the same.
'it's okay. we'll show them. we will show them all'. )
( while the determination and the notions between these two are different, the goal is still the same. to show everyone that she is strong, great, and perfect. without realizing, there's a pink tear that rolls down her cheek -- her breath hitching with her hand trembling within her hold. her tears having color is probably alarming and strange but she will learn there's a lot of strange things when it comes to her. and it's after that one tear, more follow -- then before she knows it, she's sobbing. her locks twisting more milky blue and the temperature of the room gradually chilled than warmth. )
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And how she just hopes it's a good cry. Chizuru feels like it probably is, considering what she said only a moment ago. It's probably just emotions that Jinx has been cropping up for such a while behind her tough attitude that are all flowing out in this moment - and that's a good thing.
So Chizuru tries to calm her heart despite the worries about the other girl crying. Instead she shifts her grip on Jinx, no loner just holding the other's arms, but instead reaching out to hold the girl's body, trying to shift Jinx so she can lean against Chizuru in the hug while she cries. ]
It's okay. [ Chizuru's voice is so low in volume that it's little above a whisper. ] It's okay..
[ She rubs Jinx's back a little, but then instead just moves to hold her tighter, resting Chizuru's own forehead against the other as well.
(Did no one ever tell Jinx this, Chizuru wonders. Isn't it such a simple thing to say?
Isn't it so obvious that it's the sort of thing Jinx needs to hear?
-- then again, maybe it's only obvious to her.) ]
You can let it all out. I won't tell anyone if you don't want me to, okay? [ So Jinx can trust her.
And be open around her like this. Chizuru really likes that idea, even though the idea of someone being more open with her than with most people is pretty heart-fluttering. ]
cw: spoilers of arcane
because while silco seemed to have forgiven her from killing him, she hasn't. there's so much guilt that weighs hard on her shoulders and she sometimes wonder if one day, she will die due to her lungs getting smooshed from underneath.
and even if the very rare chance she forgives herself over his death, it'll be hard to excuse herself the death of her previous family. they would had been alive if it wasn't for her, vi wouldn't had left her if it wasn't for her, and the war wouldn't had happen if it wasn't for her. all the troubles revolving around zaun and piltover are due to her merely existing. so when others (mostly in trench and her sister) say words like this, how can she believe it? )
( and ask sevika said, it's only matter of time until she implodes; intentionally or not. maybe it would be better for everyone (plants, animals, and all) if she just sits put and stare at a wall until she dies due to starvation, dehydration, or both.
and maybe by doing so, everyone would just live happily. vi will be relieved from all of her stresses and be happy with sansa (who is clearly a way better sister), ekko won't have to live on eggshells, and the people of trench won't have to worry about her causing a ruckus.
it's even when jinx tries to be nicer or kindhearted, she'll find somehow to jinx it all up for them. and as she sobs further, jinx welcomes the embrace (for now) as she returns it -- the hold not desperate but it is a tight one. she says nothing but simply nods to her. she trusts her to not blab about her like this. this side of her, she would rather only vi see but even then... that's fifty-fifty. )
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Even if it lasts for a little while. Chizuru is a patient girl, and she's perfectly okay with just staying like this, the two of them sitting together and hugging.
.. if anything, Chizuru may be starting to softly hum after a little bit. It's audible even over the sobs, despite it being soft. It's like a gentle melody, and Chizuru's hand moves to gently brush through the other's hair. ]
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... You sound nice. Can I sing to you, too? There's... a song my people would sing to the city above ours. They never listened, but... we sung it to 'em anyway.
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[ Her voice is soft, like she doesn't want to break the mood here by raising it to a volume that feels too loud for a moment that's so tender. Still, her approval sounds very genuine. Chizuru doesn't mind.
Especially since it might help Jinx feel a little better. At least her crying seems to have calmed down a bit already.. ]
You can sing. I'll listen.
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♪ Dear friend,
Across the river.
My hands are cold and bare.
Dear friend,
Across the river.
I'll take what you can spare.
I ask of you a penny,
My fortune, it will be.
I ask you without envy,
We build no mighty towers.
Our homes are made of stone,
So come across the river,
And find the world below. ♪
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.. she wonders if she could see it, if she were to close her eyes, despite never having been there. The place Jinx comes from, the place she's singing about. One world divided into two. A song that almost holds some sort of longing in it - not entirely like the Jinx that the other shows to the world, but Chizuru thinks there may be a piece of the other in it all the same.
Even when the song ends, she's quiet for a moment or two, and then she slowly speaks. Her hand keeps moving. ]
It's a nice song. [ That feels most important to say first. It's like thanking Jinx for singing in the first place, even though she's heard it before thanks to the coldblood curse going around - but this song sure is different. ] .. though also a little sad, when it isn't answered.
[ And Jinx already said it wasn't. ]
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( a small sigh as she nuzzles her cheek more onto her knees; shutting her eyes as chizuru caresses her head. )
Pretended we didn't exist whenever we called for help. Or came down when they thought we were outta line. My family and I got shoved around, been patted down whenever they thought we did somethin' or stolen somethin'. Even when we didn't, it's not like they apologized. To them? We still deserved whatever what was comin' to us.
( jinx shifts carefully so she can look up at the other girl with a bittersweet smile. )
But it's not like that here. I'm glad for it but... I dunno, a lil' homesick, too. Is that weird?
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[ It's a simple answer, but it feels better to address that part rather than anything else that came before it. Not that Chizuru doesn't feel for the way Jinx and her family have been treated - it's awful, and they should have had so many better things - but she doesn't want to linger on anything too negative in this moment.
This moment is meant to calm Jinx's feelings down a little, after all, rather than rile them up all over again. ]
Isn't it only natural? This place.. It's so different from any of our homes. [ Chizuru is definitely speaking from experience there. Going from Edo or Kyoto to Trench has been a huge culture shock, in so many ways. ] Of course we'd still long back for what's familiar to us.
[ Her hand still moves, gently caressing Jinx even as she speaks. ]
Even if we'd get used to being here.. I think a small part of us will always think about home anyway. It's just how people work.
[ Chizuru sounds a lot more mature when she's just speaking calmly like this too, rather than her usual shy squeaking. ]
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jinx is smart when it comes to building scraps into something extraordinary, however, she is also horribly immature. there's so much she has yet to learn. and even with the patrons throwing the townsfolks into situations where they can acquire new knowledge, jinx had admitted to absorb nothing. and having someone like chizuru, who is wiser in a few places, maybe she will finally sit put and listen since there's some interest lingering there. )
Hmm.
( feeling truly at peace, the blue-haired girl shut her eyes to take in more of the other girl's petting. )
I sorta wish some of 'em were here, too. Food here is better... I'd think they'll like it.
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Who would you want to be here the most?
[ Granted, that can be a hard question, depending on the circumstances. Chizuru can think of quite a few people she'd like to see again - but she'd feel guilty if she had to point out who she'd want to see the most. It'd feel a little too much like betraying all the other people important to her to only name one.
But she figures this situation is lowkey enough - and Jinx perhaps a little less fussy about things like politeness - that she can ask, her hand still moving. ]
I mean, you're going to have to introduce me anyway when new people from your world show up. [ Especially if it's within the trial dating period they just decided on.. Can't not get to know Jinx's girlfriend when you care about Jinx, right. ] So you might as well get a head start now.
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( she says this without a second thought. the temperature in the room seems to be warming up steadily and her eyes flutter open -- peering up to her. )
He was here once actually. I dunno for how long but... I saw him briefly 'till he, uh, went back to the ocean. His name is Silco. Have you met him?
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She just didn't get his name, and without having a face to match it with, she has no idea. It had only been a brief encounter too, many months ago - there's no way she's thinking about it now, while she's looking down at the other girl lying on her lap. ]
Tell me about him.
[ Sure, Chizuru's relationship with her dad may be.. Complicated, that's for sure, but she assumes Jinx must have a better relationship with her own, or she wouldn't bring him up here. ]
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( because there's so much about silco just like there's so much about vi. but she'll do her very best to make him sound presentable. )
Well, a lotta people think he's rough. And he kinda is. A strong voice who is all about business and gettin' stuff done. But I see that as a good thing. I lose focus a lot and he is able to keep his eye on the prize. He, uh, helps me with that whenever I get — ( she lightly lifts up a hand and does a silly wave around motion with it -- indicating how all over the place she can get. )
( with her hand back on her stomach, she continues: )
He's all about lessons so he'd be great here 'cuz the Patrons-whatevers are like that, too. They're sooooo long and borin', but... now I kinda wish I could hear one from him.
( her tone quiets more. )
... People think he's terrible 'cuz his dream deals with the harsh reality of things. And yeah, he's done things that meant other people will get badly hurt in the process. But he did those things so I'd have a happier life, for my people to have a better life, and so my city can raise up from the stupid richie Topsiders who treated us like slugs.
( the sigh that leaves her; a mixture of defeat but frustration, too. )
Vi hates him, Ekko hates him. They think he's some kind of monster when he isn't. He has a heart, he cares. ... He took care of me when I had no one else and when I was alone. He and I did what we had to do for the good of our people and I just wish they could see that.
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After all, with the specific way Jinx is saying all of this, it makes him sound like-- ]
He sounds like some of the people I know back home.
[ Especially Hijikata, Chizuru thinks. She's been missing him, and it sounds like it's for similar reasons that Jinx misses Silco, even if that's more of a paternal thing than a crush thing like in Chizuru's case.. But the guidance from them, the admiration for them - it sounds very similar. ]
I think.. that if you don't know people very well, it's easy to misunderstand their intentions. Miss Vi and that Ekko person must not know him as well as you did. [ Or so Chizuru assumes, anyway.
Besides, how could Silco be a truly bad person if he was caring so well for Jinx? ]
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... He's also a liar.
( she words this bluntly and there's hurt mixed in, too. )
For years, I thought... Vi died when we separated. But all that time, she was arrested. Silco said he didn't knew but when he found out, he purposely tried to keep that from me. To keep us apart.
( a pause as she rubs her cheek more into her. )
He said he lied 'cuz he wanted to protect me. That Vi and the Enforcer were only after the crystal I took. She wasn't lookin' for me. But Vi, even now, still says it wasn't about that. She gave me the crystal back just a few days ago.
( in her voice, it sounds she is trying to not cry again -- she's holding it together but there's quivering in her speech. )
He got offered a deal to turn me in to Piltover and he... he looked like he was considering giving me up. But then before he — ( a beat; rewording. ) — But he said he would never do that. ... I believe him but. He told me Vi would hate the way I am now if she spent a single day with me.
It's been months and she's... still here with me. Was everything he said a lie?
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It leaves her quiet for a moment, one of her fingers idly twirling some of Jinx's hair around itself, humming lightly in consideration.
When she speaks up again, her voice is soft. ]
What do you think?
[ Was everything a lie? Wasn't it?
Isn't that something Jinx has to decide for herself? ]
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I dunno. ... I dunno what to think of anything. If he's been lying or if Vi's been lying o-or both. ( a pause; again sounding so broken. ) I'd hope being in a place like this the answer would jump right at me, but... I'm still confused.
Ya'll say the past is the past but it's hard to put it behind ya when it's always in your face.
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END SOON???
yes!! we can probably wrap it up here or with your tag, they can just have stayed comfy c:
cozy and comfy until the end of time. or jinx fucks something up.